When people call in sick to work they’re always under the impression that they need to exaggerate the misery in their voice. Even if they’re genuinely sick, people instinctively like to play up their sickness so that nobody can be angry at them for skipping work. I’m telling you that this is not necessary. We’re adults and don’t need to prove to anybody that we’re really sick. Besides, nobody wants to hear how miserable you are. Whenever I call in sick, I try to be as upbeat as possible. “Hey! How’s it going, you guys? Haha, that’s great! So anyway, I’m feeling miserable! I think I’ll take the day off today. What’s that in the background, you ask? Oh, that’s just some loud music. Yeah, I’m just sitting here listening to some gangsta rap, too sick to really go to work. Well, anyway, I’ve got to run, I’m supposed to meet some people at the gym.”

Another audacious thing to do is to call in drunk. “Hey Mr. Johnson, just wanted to tell you that I can’t come in to work today. Oh, no, it’s nothing like that. I’m just absolutely obliterated. Thought I’d have a beer or two this morning, and the next thing I knew I’d gone through half a case. Trust me, you wouldn’t want me there today. I haven’t been this plastered in years. I’m probably just going to have to stay in bed all day and wait this thing out. Oh, by the way, you wife’s really hot.”