My idea to update everyday in January was a spectacular failure. Now that my promises have become less valuable than a gypsy’s, I will attempt to redress my tarnished reputation by updating more or less every weekday for an unspecified unit of time.

As a reward for lying to all of my visitors, I’ve been receiving a powerful influx of traffic. As best as I can gather, on Friday, January 25th, the version of my Internet ’96 article that’s hosted by MSU was posted by a karma-seeking reddit user, who amended a superfluous extension to the URL so as to represent a new submission. From there it appeared on such places as Fark, Gizmodo, and MetaFilter, and on Saturday the 26th it was made popular on Digg.com and received the most Diggs that day, which had evidently been the dullest 24 hours in internet history.

My MSU website is basically a dumpster baby, but because that version of the Internet ’96 article was still generating traffic, about a year ago I loaded it up with ads, including an incongruous mid-article in-text offender. The lesson here is that the best way to generate traffic is to stop creating new content and load up previously-circulated articles with unsightly advertisements. That’s what this web 2.0 bullshit is all about.

Here’s the specific traffic information for the abandoned MSU version of eKarjala:

Note the slight increase in traffic my article received from Thursday to Saturday. If you were to stack Saturday’s 183,394 unique visitors end-to-end (and I have), you could reach our Lord and back seven times—with enough people left over to form 4 different ice hockey teams, including a Zamboni driver.

A few of my other articles have been receiving some shrapnel traffic from StumbleUpon, so I’ve added a “recent comments” plugin to the sidebar, which will help draw attention to the latest person I’ve somehow insulted. Also, I’ve switched this site’s font to Verdana, since people kept calling me a “serif font fucker.” However, I’m still considering changing the font back to Times, because I get off on making my webpage look like garbage.

Sometimes I like to go to the grocery store and stare at the Jiffy Mix boxes. They’ve kept right up with the latest packaging trends, haven’t they? In case you don’t frequent American supermarkets, here is what a box of Jiffy Mix looks like:

This design pleases me. It pleases me a great deal. One time on a school trip I visited the Jiffy Mix factory in Chelsea, Michigan, but I didn’t think to ask what was up with their packaging. Their marketing department is probably just some old Willy Loman-type character, and his only job is to produce advertisements for obscure AM radio stations. These are the sorts of daydreams I experience as I stare at all the amusing Jiffy Mix boxes.

As far as I know, Jiffy Mix hasn’t even adjusted their prices since 1950. It still costs like 38 cents for a box of Jiffy Mix. They have no idea what inflation means. Their attitude is: “Who cares if we’re hemorrhaging money? We don’t even check our financial records. You know what are our income was last year? Fuck you, that’s what it was.” Needless to say, Jiffy Mix is one of my all-time favorite foodstuffs.

Sorry I missed the past three day’s updates, which ruined the Brandnewary concept and made me out to be some sort of liar. In actuality I was just busy moving into a new apartment, and to update eKarjala during such a time of turmoil would have been reckless and irresponsible. Meanwhile, I’ll still try to update each day for the rest of January. If I miss another update, just realize that I move into a new apartment about two or three times per month.

Now please let me take a moment to catch up eKarjala with a realistic simulation of those missed updates:

Saturday:
Hey guys, remember Popples? What was the deal with Popples? LOL! It’s like a Carebear and a Gummi Bear had children, and the children turned out to be these silly sorts of creatures! LOL! LOL! Turn into a ball, you stupid mutant!

Sunday:
What’s up with those horizontal dashes people sometimes draw through the midpoint of the number 7? Is the regular 7 not retarded enough for these people? You don’t need to distinguish a 7 from a 1, if that’s your game—just write a little neater. LOLOL! But seriously, keep your backward F fetish out of my sight.

Monday:
The other day, I did (something normal) and was irritated due to (contrived observation). Who’s the retard who came up with (subject)? That would be like (farcical analogy). LOL!