A few days ago, I noticed something that I was appalled by. In East Lansing, there is no “Preview Channel”–or “TV Guide Channel” as it is now called–on the local cable provider’s basic service. While I thought nothing of this at first, I slowly found that I could not reliably enjoy using a television without this convenient ever-scrolling service. In the old days, back when I took the channel for granted, I would think to myself, “Hey, I wonder what’s on channel, say, 66.” I would then turn to the TV Guide Channel, which would now be revealing what was on channel 2, wait the short 7 hours it took for it to scroll up to 66, and later find out that some crap I didn’t want to watch was on 66. But even though I didn’t want to watch it, I knew what it was. And it was a glorious time.
Flash-forward to East Lansing. Sitting on my chair, one of the rare furniture items in my dorm room, I’ll think to myself, “You know, I could really go for watching channel 37 (which happens to be BET up here), but I have no idea what’s on. So I’ll just simply turn to the TV Guide Channel and. . . .” Then I realize that there is no such channel here, and I am torn between throwing my remote and crying. This happens every time I try to watch TV, and it is a vicious cycle. For the TV Guide Channel is not just a reliable source of programs that are currently on. There is also a reliable clock on that channel which I used to use to set my clock-radio. And while you wait for your desired channel to scroll up, you get to watch entertaining commercials and informative previews in a tiny, tiny little box in the corner of the screen. But it’s so much more than that. Sometimes, when the channel I was inquisitive about came up, I continued to watch the TV Guide Channel as it endlessly scrolled on and on, never-ending, always ready to divulge the secrets it held. And when it scrolled up to its own channel and revealed that “The TV Guide Channel” was currently showing the “TV Guide,” I would feel a sense of well-being that no other channel can provide. I recommend that all of you who have the TV Guide Channel should cherish what you have, and watch it non-stop for days at a time.
Yesterday, this really, really seedy guy came by my dorm room with a little slip of paper with my name, Student ID number and a bunch of other information and asked me if I wanted to register to vote. All I had to do was sign my name, fill in my date of birth and then return the paper to the psycho and supposedly I was registered. I did as he asked, more out of fear than anything else, and so I guess I am now set to vote. My current plan to vote for the President who is most in favor of making the TV Guide Channel a mandatory service of all cable providers.
