Spring break, so named because it takes place during the winter, begins tomorrow, and everyone is rejoicing. Spring break is truly a good type of thing. If you’re in high school or something and have to go to school next week, just picture me kicking back and relaxing while you wake up at 8am to attend class, and then everything will be OK. Well, at least it’ll be OK for me; you’ll probably just get really pissed off. But that’s your own fault for not having next week off. Psyche.

Ha, remember that slang? In elementary school you’d be all, “Hey let’s go play kickball . . . Psyche! I’m only kidding. I want to play dodgeball.” And then people who had thought that you had really wanted to play kickball would feel salty. Psyche. People didn’t start feeling salty until 1994-95. Salty meant “to be embarrassed,” but I never figured out why it was called being “salty” until I realized that when you are embarrassed, you start to sweat—which is a salty fluid. But by the time I’d figured that out, it was 1998, and nobody was calling anybody salty anymore, so I never had the chance to call somebody salty while truly knowing what I was talking about. That’s why I’m going to start using the term again, in hopes of bringing it back.

Psyche!