Job applications have no reason for being as long they are. When they’re not asking me for the street address of my grade school or the telephone number of an employer I worked for three years ago, they’re busy wondering if I’m legally allowed to be employed in the United States. Who’s going to admit to being unemployable in the United States? On a job application for a business located in the United States? If you’d admit to that, you might as well just stop filling out the application right there and go back to Canada.

Since I’m mainly looking for money that I can parlay into bigger things, all I need right now are consistent hours at a business that doesn’t completely humiliate me. For example, today I filled out an online application to work at a nearby bookstore that I won’t name, Boarders Group Inc., but for some reason their applications are actually longer than most of their books. The highlight was a personality test that—and I am not exaggerating—was 37 pages long, each page requesting five different responses. Now I’m not going to do the math, but that’s exactly 185 inquiries. The format was similar to a normal personality test in that they would list a statement and I had to say to what degree I either agreed or disagreed. Among those were the following seven award-winning examples, included here exactly as they appeared on the application:

You feel tense when somebody watches you work
No, I love it when creepy people stare at me while I stock bookshelves. I fucking love that.

You feel lively and energetic at parties
They mean drunk, right?

You usually disagree with people
I was going to say that I strongly disagreed with this statement, but then I realized that it’d be hypocritical and I’d be caught in a lie. Then again, if I agreed with this statement, I’d also–

You don’t like to be interrupted when you are doing something
Hey, man, slow down. You cut me off before I finished my last response, and you know perfectly well that that’s not cool.

There’s no use having close friends; they always let you down
Awww. Whoever was coming up with these clearly just had a huge fight with his best friend.

Any trouble you have is your own fault
This one just comes off as a really mean insult. In fact, it kind of makes me feel like crap.

People who talk all the time are annoying
Shut up with the stupid personality test already!