Incentive gifts

Because the Breslin Center doesn’t pay very well, they decided to give us special incentive gifts if we ushered a lot of events. For example, if you work 20 events you get a very, very special glass. That may not seem like much, but you have to understand how very special this glass is. “Hey, my paycheck didn’t provide enough money for me to purchase even a single text book, but look! A glass!” Personally, I had received an email a couple of weeks ago which notified me that I had qualified for the level 2 incentive gift, which meant that I was eligible for my choice of either a mountaineer knife, a CD case or a travel mug. You can imagine my excitement! I practically raced down to the Breslin Center to claim my prize. As I was walking down there, I had decided on the knife, so that I could then threaten the person working there with it and make him give me the CD case and the travel mug also. As far as I could tell, it was a perfect plan. There was only one problem: The guy said that I was one point short of qualifying for level 2. I said, “But–but the email! The–the knife!” The guy just shook his head.

I’m alright, now. After failing to attain the magical mountaineer knife, I was emotionally damaged for several days, but now I’m fully healed, and I have even begun to look for a summer job. The question is, where should I get that job? I’ve already eliminated all jobs that relate to sales, food services or doing any kind of real work, but that doesn’t really leave much left. In fact, it doesn’t leave anything left. That’s why I might just have to go get a job at a random place. But where?

A little known fact about me is that I have recently sold out. The pressures of remaining a unique individual had become too great, and so I decided to just go ahead and sell myself out to The Man. That’s why now I sometimes where a shirt that says “GAP” on it, and that’s why I listen to Top 40 music nonstop. That’s also why I might get a job at the Briarwood mall, because where else could I work that would express my newfound conformity? However, I’m not fully committed to work there yet, mostly because I always get lost within five minutes of entering the mall, and I’d never be able to locate the store that I worked at. So I may also get a job at a video store, or maybe a movie theater–somewhere dumb like that. If anybody out there can think of a better idea, feel free to notify me. I strongly dislike looking for jobs.

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