Did you know that the Monopoly game piece you prefer is revealing of your personality? According to this chart I made instead of studying for my finals, it is. Do not argue with my findings—I have spent a very long time making these careful guesses and random, unfounded claims. Because I like Monopoly, and I’ll tell you why: It’s so realistic. In real life, when you own a hotel or a house, people have to legally pay you money when they’re just walking by. Also, most people’s main source of income is passing Go. This level of realism is in contrast to the board game Life, where I can’t drive half a foot without having three goddamned children. By the time the game is over (at which point I guess your peg dies), I have so many kids that there’s not even holes for all of them in my car, and I have to just precariously set some of them on the roof and hope they don’t fall off. I feel bad about that, but what can I do? They don’t let you buy another car. They don’t let you do anything in Life. Life’s a bitch.