All this finger-pointing about who “stole” the cookie from the cookie jar—this song makes me so mad. Guys, it’s a cookie jar. Putting cookies in a cookie jar is a way of telling people, “Hey, guys, I just made a batch of cookies and put the extras in the cookie jar. You’re more than welcome to have some.” That’s why it’s a jar—so that people can reach in from the top and select a cookie at their convenience. But now all of a sudden this is “stealing.” That’s like saying, “Alright, who took some of my goddamned mints from my mint bowl! I placed this bowl of mints in an easily-accessible spot right on the table next to the couch, hoping to snack on them from time to time, yet you jackasses keep eating them!” I’ll stop stealing your precious cookies the minute you stop putting them in a fucking jar and giving them away.
Category Archives: Updates
Laguna Beach
It is time for my biannual “oh dear, I have not updated in a while, I’m such a jackass” update.
The reason I’ve not updated is because I’ve somehow been working part time all of the time. Also, the other day I was intending to update, but then I accidentally watched MTV when Laguna Beach was on, and before I knew it three hours had passed and I was still watching Laguna Beach. I have no idea how this happened. For one thing, why would MTV air three straight hours of Laguna Beach? Clearly they are trying to trick people into getting sucked into this ridiculous reality series. They know perfectly well that until you figure out how the Jessica/Jason/Alex love triangle plays itself out, it is almost impossible to stop watching. Especially if you are a sixteen-year-old girl, which apparently I am.
Another fact about me is that I’m intending to move back up to East Lansing this year in a complex, multifaceted strategy to get an actual job. I’m dunzo living in Ann Arbor.
Full House
The show Full House has experienced quite a renaissance lately, and it’s on every time I turn on the TV. That’s possibly because I only turn on the TV when I want to watch Full House, but I know of a lot of people besides me who secretly watch it. They’ll quickly turn the channel away from a vintage episode when they see me come into the room, as if they were just flipping through the stations, but it’s like, “Nice try, dad.”
One appealing thing about Full House is that at the end of act III they always have a great heart-to-heart moment, which even when I first watched the show at age 5 I found a tad saccharine and melodramatic. But the main reason the show works so well is due to how pathetic the cast is. Uncle Jesse lives in his brother-in-law’s house, despite the fact that he is over thirty, is married, and has two children; Uncle Joey has no familial relations to the Tanners but nonetheless lives in the basement because he has no real job except being the shittiest comedian that ever lived; DJ’s only friend is Kimmy, who constantly stabs her in the back and who everybody else hates; Stephanie wears dorky glasses and doesn’t have any friends period; and Michelle grows up to be anorexic. The only Tanner with any merit is Danny’s wife, who had the foresight to die before her children grew up to be such miserable wretches.
Kitty-corner
Sometimes people refer to objects located diagonally across from one another as being “kitty-corner,” as if kitties are naturally found sitting diagonally across from other kitties. I’m pretty sure I’ve never seen cats sitting like this, let alone precocious little kittens. For one thing, kittens almost never sit still, especially when a second kitten is around to play with, and for another thing, the only time a kitten does sit still is when it’s eating. This means that the only way you could reasonably expect to get two kittens to sit kitty-corner from one another would be to position their food dishes in a carefully-measured diagonal fashion, which seems like an elaborate undertaking just to allow the phrase “kitty-corner” to make any sense. But if I ever get two kittens, this is precisely how I’m going to position their food dishes, because two kittens eating diagonally across from one another strikes me as being amusing.
Another thing that makes no sense is when somebody says “long time no see.” What are you, Chinese?
Wrong numbers
On a weekly basis, my phone has been getting more wrong numbers than a lottery ticket. Most of these people are trying to reach their so-called friend Rodney, who cleverly changed his number without telling anybody. Sometimes I speculate that Verizon pays people to make these phone calls to sucker me out of my valuable minutes, except that some of the conversations I’ve had are unusually retarded. This week I participated in the following moving piece of dialogue:
Mystery caller: Hi, ya big nipple!
Eric (just waking up): Hello?
Caller: Uh, is this Rodney?
Eric: No, man, you have the wrong number.
Caller: I’m sorry ‘bout that. Normally me and my friend Rodney have a joke about that.
Eric: Good one.
Speaking of something else, my lack of prudent updating of late has been embarrassing and rather imprudent, but surely this will be amended in the future. However, I won’t be around until March 14th, so until that time there will be no updates. Bye!
