Category Archives: Updates

A traditional update in the grand update tradition

Thinking caps

Updates

When I was younger, me and my playmates would often need inspiration for how to occupy our time, so we would pretend to put on thinking caps. These thinking caps were meant to stimulate our brainwaves and make us temporarily smart enough to come up with an engaging activity, but one key fact they never helped us grasp was that pretending to wear a thinking cap is among the most ridiculous things imaginable. These days I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing a thinking cap anywhere but the privacy of my bedroom.

To me there is something highly amusing about any kind of hat. I am known for randomly placing an object such as a bottle cap on somebody’s head and then reprimanding them, “Come on, take off that silly hat.” I also enjoy attempting to set my drinks on other peoples’ heads, and if people actually have the audacity to wear a real hat in my vicinity, I like to flick it off high into the air. If you’re wearing a hat, it sends a signal to me that says, “Please invade my personal space,” and if you’re not wearing a hat it sends a signal to me that says, “Please attempt to balance an object on my head.” Unfortunately, nobody else shares these kind of amusements. My findings are that if you keep pestering people in this way, eventually they simply stop calling.

Dog size map

Updates

After completing extensive fieldwork on the subject of dog size, I have prepared the following graphic:

Nowhere are dogs tinier than in California. Sometimes when a Californian woman is digging around in her purse for her wallet, she’ll temporarily remove four or five dogs who live inside. Pretty soon they’re going to start breeding dogs so tiny, you’ll see them poking their little heads out of people’s pants pockets. People will be walking around the street patting their pockets going, “Oh, no! Did I leave Mr. Whipples at the restaurant? Oh wait, here he is, in my inside coat pocket. Oh, poor Mr. Whipples, you’re so sleepy! Come on, let’s go home and put you to bed in your sardine tin.”

Milk cartons

Updates

One thing I could never master in elementary school, besides learning how to read, was how to properly open up a milk carton. Nine times out of ten when I attempted to crack open a carton, it would somehow refuse to tear correctly, denying me access to the nutritious milk inside—or to be perfectly candid, the delicious chocolate milk inside. Cartons have two sides, however, which meant I had two chances, and the second side was made much more accommodating with the first side already half-open. But opening up this side usually caused the first side to also pop open, which resulted in what is known in geometry parlance as a cuboid, which made me look like what is known in elementary school parlance as a moron. It was now time to dejectedly ask the lunch lady for a straw through which I could drink from my chocolate milk cuboid, and then join the children at the special needs table.

Birdsong

Updates

We like to throw around the word “song” to describe the vocalizations of some animals, but this is something of a misnomer. You call that a song, bird? I see what you’re doing over there on that tree. You’re merely chirruping the same six notes over and over, just like you do every morning. Meanwhile, whales might be magnificent creatures, but their songs are nothing but the toneless bellowing of a retarded child. All they want is to be heard for thousands of miles, with no concern for melody or pitch control. I really don’t think whales are trying to be musicians, either, so we mustn’t burden them with that title. We have to admit that they just enjoy being a nuisance to everybody else in the ocean.