Animal crackers

I haven’t figured out what the animal cracker industry is hoping to accomplish by claiming to make crackers, but they’re obviously up to something. All I know is that molding crispy sugar cookies into the shapes of zoo animals doesn’t magically transform them into crackers. And even if it did, how about those animal crackers coated in pink icing? Still going to claim those are crackers, are you? OK, then I guess I’ll just sit here spreading Brie over this fucking icing-drenched kangaroo. Don’t insult my intelligence, Nabisco.

The only viable explanation is that “animal cracker” is just a pejorative way to describe their tan coloring. When I eat animal cookies I like to say, “Get your cracker ass over here. You think I’m going to let you stay in that menagerie all day? Animal cracker, please.”

12 thoughts on “Animal crackers

  1. Yes! A perfectly valid rant (not saying the others aren’t valid) that I can totally agree with! And I have another question that my friend has asked about them: are vegetarians OK with eating animal crackers? Hmmmmm?

  2. Hey Eric, I have a sort of odd request for you. See, my husband and I are having trouble conceiving do to his inordinately low sperm count. So, I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind, perhaps, donating? I hope you’ll consider, because I’d really like my child to grow up with your sense of humor.

  3. Dear Eric,
    As a gay man, i am not looking to have a child. So, I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind, perhaps, donating some of your sperm? I hope you’ll consider, because I’d really like to assume that you would go along with such a farce, due to your sense of humour.

  4. People! People! Stop this inane infighting!

    Now why don’t you two crazy kids drop the pretense admit you’re madly in love with each other?


  5. As the late, great Mitch Hedberg once opined about animal crackers:

    “I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste alike. What’s a giraffe taste like?
    A hippopotamus–I had them back-to-back.”

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