I used to be OK with winter until the later winter months of February or March, but I grow tired of it earlier every year. This year Iíd had enough by the second snowflake. The first snowflake inspired great merriment and I said, ďOh, look! A single snowflake is wafting down from the heavens. It is a true Christmas miracle; an angel has blessed us with her beauteousĖOh, fucking Christ, here comes another one of those asshole snowflakes. And it landed directly in my ear. Thatís wonderful. I love having a snowflake in my ear. If it hadnít landed in my ear, I think I would have probably scooped it off the ground and stuck it in there because this feels fantastic. Now I will walk around like I have scoliosis because my spine is trying to contract into itself to stay warm.Ē

I canít deny that winter is a magical season. This morning while I was involved in the character-building activity of scraping ice off my car, I stepped into a giant puddle, which soaked my foot. Right, itís perfectly cold enough for ice to form when itís on my windshield, but when itís on the ground water is suddenly able to remain a liquid. As long as weíre ignoring science, how about snow that bursts into flames whenever it hits flesh? How about snowflakes that turn into bees? If that happened, nobody would even question it. We are all resigned to the fact that winter can do whatever it likes in order to dick with us. People would just say, ďOh, here comes some of that bee snow. I was wondering when snow would start turning into bees. This bee snow is extremely painful. But Iím still going to live in Michigan, because Iím an idiot.Ē

11 thoughts on “Wintertime

  1. Maria Bartiromo: “I’m curious, have you ever googled anybody? Do you use Google?”

    Me, GW Bush: “Occasionally. One of the things I’ve used on the Google is to pull up maps. It’s very interesting to see — I’ve forgot the name of the program — but you get the satellite, and you can — like, I kinda like to look at the ranch. It remind me of where I wanna be sometimes.”

  2. Dear Jane, How is GW Bush considered ‘bigger’ then Jesus? Personally I think that is a step in the wrong direction.

    Secondly and more importantly…
    Dear Eric, Please write more. I thought there would be something clever here for the new year. I have been checking everyday and it is getting bad because my hopes get higher that something will be here and are now sinking lower when I discover there is not.

    That is all

  3. Sounds vastly entertaining. That’s why you hide in your room all winter instead of having a life, and read about other peoples negative experiences in their blogs online. It’s quite effective, I have seen a single bee snow flake yet.

  4. while i find some of these comments quite interesting, i must say that i hate blogs, but i love this one. you have made my day with your comment about “bee snow” and i completely feel your pain, winter sucks balls!

  5. I live in Georgia, and the people here don’t know what to do with themselves with it snows. If I recall, the limit is 3 snowflakes – any snowflakes beyond that merit an extra out-of-school snow day. To date, I think I’ve had… four snow days in my entire life.

    Thank god I’m out of school. Now every day is a snowday, even if it isn’t snowing! Fucking righteous.

    Also, cool site. I’ve had it linked from mine for some time. Keep the lols coming.

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