Due to a series of unexpected circumstances, I am now a volunteer for a program called “Read to Succeed,” which helps teach kids how to read. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “But Eric, you hate children.” Listen, it’s kittens I hate, not children. Let’s get our facts straight here, alright? Those little mewing kitties always stumbling around with bows in their hair, drinking milk from a little bowl. . . . Man, how can people stand those things? Bob Barker’s right: We need to control the pet population.

Actually, I’m kidding about hating kittens—I’m only human, after all. But I’m not kidding about volunteering to tutor children, which might seems surprising. Frankly, I’m not even sure how I ended up in this position. That’s weird.

Speaking of crime-fighting dogs, whatever happened to McGruff, the number-one crime-fighting dog there ever was? Back when he was taking a bite out of crime, kids would be too scared to break the law. “Hey, Jimmy, let’s go steal some candy from Old Man Wilson’s place.” Then Jimmy would be like, “Dude, are you kidding? With McGruff roaming the streets? Count me out.” As I recall, I believe McGruff had an illegitimate puppy (in cartoon form) about five years ago and then slowly disappeared from the spotlight. I’ll tell you, though, he had one hell of a career.