I used to hate when people said something was “the greatest thing since sliced bread.” I was always like, “Sliced bread? What the hell’s so great about bread that is cut into slices? You take some bread, and then you slice it. Big goddamned deal.” Then I actually had some sliced bread, and let me tell you, I take that all back–it’s some good shit. With this “sliced bread,” you can have sandwiches, toast, French toast–you name it. The entire bread world is opened up for your dining consumption. In my opinion, nothing will ever be greater than sliced bread. Now I know why ducks are so into it.

Saying “this is the greatest thing since sliced bread” is but one of the many old sayings that people use in their every day life. What many people don’t realize is that almost all of these old sayings are really retarded. As proof of this, I will now list several of them and rate them on a scale of one to five dollar signs, with five dollar signs being the least retarded.

“Never look a gift horse in the mouth.” Since I’ve never personally received a gift horse, I can’t say whether or not this is good advice, but it sounds pretty solid. Horses would probably bite you if you looked at them in the mouth, or maybe spit on you. I really don’t know that much about horses. Rating: $$$

“The proof is in the pudding.” This one doesn’t even make any sense. Where is this magical pudding of theirs? And what proof are they even talking about? I’ve never heard of a lawyer saying to a judge, “Your honor, to prove that Timmy didn’t murder Sam, I’d like to call my first witness: A batch of pudding.” Rating: $

“Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.” I’ve noticed that the earlier I wake up, the more money I have and, additionally, I tend to be smarter on those days. However, it burns when I pee no matter what I time I wake up, so I don’t think it makes me healthier. Either way, this saying gets an extra point for rhyming. Rating: $$$$

“A bird in hand is worth two in the bush.” Apparently, the bird exchange rate is very confusing. What I want to know is, if you have a bird in your hand, but your hand is in a bush, approximately how much is your bird worth? Also, what makes you think I even want a little bird? I’d rather leave it in the goddamned bush. Rating: $$

“The early bird gets the worm.” This statement is probably pretty true (unless the bird is trapped in your hand), but you’ve got to think that the early worm is just going to get eaten by the early bird. However, my real problem with this saying is that I think many birds are taking the advice. There’re outside my window every morning at about 4:30am, keeping me awake with their musical chirping. I’m always like, “Seriously, guys, chill out. They’ll be worms at 1pm. Get some sleep.” Rating: $$

“A picture is worth a thousand words.” I think this statement was first made by painters who were going poor because nobody wanted to buy their stupid paintings. They started going up to people and saying, “Oh, look at my picture! Did you know that pictures are worth … about, uh, one thousand words?” That’s good and fine, but how much is a thousand words worth? They don’t tell you. This saying should have been, “A picture is worth ten thousand dollars.” Rating: $

“An apple a day keeps the doctor away.” This saying means that, if you throw an apple at a doctor, he won’t go near you. I’ve never tried this, but since it rhymes, you know that it has to be at least partially accurate. If you want to attempt this, I recommend throwing the apples at their eyes to blind them, and then running. Rating: $$$$$

“When it rains, it pours.” This statement is the stupidest thing that anybody could ever hope to say. I mean, it isn’t even true: What if it rains lightly? What then? It would be raining, and yet it wouldn’t really pouring, which neatly disproves the whole idea. This saying would be similar to somebody stating, “When it’s 80 degrees, it’s 100 degrees.” It’s like, no it isn’t. Rating: $

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.” I’ve never really owned a basket, so this advice doesn’t really apply to me. However, if I did own a basket, and if for some reason I had a strange compulsion to put eggs in it, I probably wouldn’t put all of them in. It would just get too heavy, and some of the eggs might fall out of the basket. I’d buy a few extra baskets just to be safe. Rating: $$$$

“Don’t count your chickens until they hatch.” This was probably made by the same guy who said the egg/basket thing. My objection to many of these statements is that they’re so negative. I mean, I can’t count my chickens until they hatch, I can’t put all my eggs in a basket, I can’t look a gift horse in the mouth. It’s like, what the hell can I do? Can I go downstairs and eat a Pop-Tart right now, or is that against they rules, too? Is there some saying that says “Don’t eat Pop-Tarts on Thursdays”? Screw that. Rating: $$