Motion-sensing porch lights were invented as a theft deterrent, but in reality all they’re good for is continuously startling the holy Christ out of me. Not only do these lights put me in a state of panic, they make me feel like a suspected burglar. I guess I deserve that for casually meandering down a public sidewalk anytime after dark. Meanwhile, if I should happen to inadvertently set off car alarm when I’m walking, I simply head on over to the police station to turn myself in.
Sometimes I like to pretend that these porch lights aren’t motion-sensitive after all. Sometimes I imagine a panicked family huddled up in the corner of their foyer, flicking on the light switch in an act of desperation as if you to say: “We know you’re there, burglar! And the Jenkins family won’t stand for it!” Then I bash in their window with my crowbar.