A lot of people are anti-police, which is a reasonable sentiment. Police often use excessive force, and they can be boorish, and it’s hard to enjoy a party after Officer McPolicey threatens the host with a noise violation. But all this animosity towards police seems kind of unfair when you consider how long we’ve been letting firemen off the hook.

Where do firemen get their sense of entitlement? Sometimes they save lives, but big deal, that’s their job. It’s not like they’re working voluntarily (unless you’re talking about volunteer firemen, who make me sick to my stomach). When I see a fireman, I want to yell, “Hey, fireman! Why don’t you go shove that ladder up your ass?” They expect me to be impressed by their mastery of a fire hose, but to me they’re just glorified gardeners.

You say I can’t park in front of your precious fire hydrant due to the off chance that there’s a fire in the vicinity? Tell you what, if there’s a fire, go ahead and loop your hose around my car. Maybe this wouldn’t be “convenient” for you, but the world is not set up for your convenience. Nor were Dalmatians bred for your personal self-gratification. Sometimes I want to purchase a Dalmatian, but I can’t ever find one because you’re hoarding them all in your little fire engines.

For these reasons and more I’m currently organizing a mass protest against firemen. In the meantime I invite everyone to take part in my “stop snitching” campaign. If you see a fire and you snitch about it to firemen, you’re no better than they are.

9 thoughts on “Firemen

  1. Once, about a year ago, I was force to attend a wedding on my mother’s side of the family with my father and mother. Regardless that he was around his wife’s family and not his own, my father got completely tanked. Unfortunately this happened to be about the time the fire man stripper arrived. He then proceeded to demand that I dance with the fire man. I told him that wasn’t going to happen, that the man was about forty (and pretty shifty looking) and I was still at the tender innocent age of 15, but he then stated that if I didn’t he would tell as many embbarasing facts about me that he could remember. Thankfully that means none because of the alcohol. In conclusion, fire men and tequila are never a good combination.

  2. Margaret Britowski: Weddings are a good occasion to figure out who in your family is actually an alcoholic, which in your case seems to be your father, and whoever hired a stripper. Otherwise it sounds like it was beautiful chapel wedding.

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