Magic 8-balls

I’m very displeased when a Magic 8-Ball says “cannot predict now” or “ask again later” or some other similar horseshit. What could a plastic die floating in blue slime possibly be doing that it’s too busy to answer my question? Maybe these snide non-committal messages are meant to be some sort of a joke, but in practice the only logical response to them is to immediately just reshake the ball. Why are you wasting my time in this fashion? The equivalent to this would be if in every Tarot deck there was a card that said, “Sorry, we can’t really figure out your fortune this hand. Fuck you, reshuffle the deck.” Magic 8-Ball manufacturers should just create a fewer-sided fortune die and throw the neutral messages in the garbage, because that would really save me a lot of time late at night when I’m trying to determine whether a girl likes me. And there’s nothing “magical” about dicking people around.

143 thoughts on “Magic 8-balls

  1. WOW! I totally agree… but then again, does the magic work if you instantly re-shake it and it said “ask again later”? Technically, it IS later, but it makes it sound like MUCH later. Damn, they need an instructions manual for these things!

  2. It means you’re querying the ball just as the threads of fate happen to be obscured by the mists of time. For the magic eightball to hazard a prediction at such a moment — well that would be just reckless! In refusing to predict, it’s actually exercising great prudence.

  3. Perhaps it’s just time to find a new inanimate, omniscient, gambling related object to ask life’s toughest questions. May I suggest the Mystical Loaded Dice?

  4. RE: What could a plastic die floating in blue slime possibly be doing that it’s too busy to answer my question?

    Answer 1: It’s a secret.

    Answer 2: Yours not to reason why, yours but to…

    Answer 3. Whatever the hell it wants to. That’s why it’s a plastic die floating in blue slime, and you are not.

    My question to you is: How is it that, until a few minutes ago, I’d never even heard of your wonderful, thought provoking site? ;-D

    U have been Blogrolled. ;-D

  5. Now you’ve gone and incited the wrath of various mystical trinkets and insert keys. We’ll expect a nice long article detailing the thrilling tale of your hostageship when you get back. If you get back.

  6. For god’s sake when are you going to post another entry?! Been over a month. Everyday I click my bookmark for this page and presto *nothing*. Getting pretty weak here.

  7. lol half of you don’t even know the meaning of no posts, you guys have only been here for a year or so. i’ve been at this site more or less everyday since the start, i know aaaaall about the 1-12 month breaks in posts. stop complaining.

  8. We’re not so much complaining (well, at least me) as saying that we miss his hilarious musings and we wish that he would express himself through his wonderful writing more often… although I know about the 1-12 month breaks in posts from reading previous posts, I guess I hope by posting that maybe he’ll see that a lot of people are reading his site and he’ll be more encouraged to update 🙂

  9. The fans, consuming all in their quest for amusing witticisms, rampaged on a relentless path of hunger and despair. They devoured their fellow human beings, stopping only to admire their handiwork, and prowled the darkened streets in an attempt to satiate their needs. The world began to crumble under the weight of their desire, the human race as we know it bowing before the might of its intensity. Something had to be done. One man could save them all. One man could restore peace to the world now enveloped by flames. One man could twist their splintered hearts back into a tangible shape. It was time to summon him. It was time to act…

  10. I’m all for PsychoticSquid’s version of this happening; I’d probably personally strangle everyone in this comment thread to convince you not to stop writin’ here. (SORRY GUYS NO OFFENSE YOU KNOW HOW WE ROLL.)

  11. I found the Pirate Mitty comic in my Random Pictures folder a while back and couldn’t think where the Hell it came from. Then yesterday I stumbled upon this tundra of genius. I’d been here before!

  12. Your genius inspired me to make my own blog one year ago, and every day I check your site without an update is a day I die a little on the inside.

  13. I linked to your blog on my blog.

    Where’d you go, though? I printed out all of your old articles to read on the train and because I hate the environment and everyone kept staring at me because I was laughing so hard.

  14. Here’s the thing. I just split open my finger, and I’m pretty upset about it. But I really think a new post could make me feel a whole lot better.

  15. You have a genius to your writing. More! More, please!! I need the laughs, what with the idiots I’m surrounded with at work an all.

  16. <3 Ephelant of course I still have hope! I’m hoping for an update in the next month or so… it’s been almost four months :,-( I miss this amazing man’s words

  17. We need more, Mr. Karjala! I can’t work without your pearls of wisdom… and I have fifteen kids to feed! Please… think of the children!

  18. Refraining from checking this site everyday is about as easy as quitting smoking or starting a regular flossing routine. Sure, they both are awesome ideas in theory, that you might start… tomorrow.

    Whatever happened to McGruff the crime fighting dog?

  19. it sucks having to live off the old posts. soon enough they will all be read and i will have nothing to laugh at anymore. please post soon. your wit is astounding.

  20. If you don’t post soon I’ll, I’ll, I’ll…yes, I’ll vote for McCain!

    OMG did i just stay that? I feel dirty, i take it back i take it back. But look at the brink you pushed me to!!

  21. If Eric died, how would we know? We would just keep posting and posting, forever unknowing that he should’ve gotten on the right elevator instead of the left… here’s to the hope that one day we will hear again from this master of minds.

  22. I say that if the comments for this article reach past the 300 mark, then he’s officially dead and we should begin the mourning process. We could start by setting fire to big piles of the Land Before Time movies.

  23. I actually planned on taking a road trip with my friend later on after we grow up out to the states. One of our stops was his house to leave a sign with a “United Tresspassers of Canada” sign.

  24. December 16, 2008
    I’m very displeased when people are SUPPOSED to update their sites weekly, but don’t. What are we supposed to sit here and daily check the site hoping for a new update?

  25. I’ve been unable to access a computer for a while, I come back… and you’re still idle! What could possibly be more important than updating a rant blog for the entertainment of complete strangers?

  26. Angie wrote:

    so, um, ekarj. what the hell, man? time for a hunger strike until you post, GANDHI STYLE.

    Posted on 09-Aug-08 at 11:16 pm

    Eric, I’m pretty sure you killed Angie at this point. Please write again…

  27. I got to find your site as, I was looking to do a dodgy quizz on my face book through your Monopolly page! How bizzarre! I’ve enjoyed reading you’re website, but you’re all way to clever for me!

  28. So. Someone has Karjala as a surname.
    Finnish roots somewhere there in the 19th or 20th century? Didn’t we lose Karjala to Russia in 1944 for good?
    That was a bad year or even a sad decade those 40’s.

  29. Angie wrote:

    so, um, ekarj. what the hell, man? time for a hunger strike until you post, GANDHI STYLE.

    Posted on 09-Aug-08 at 11:16 pm

    Eric, I’m pretty sure you killed Angie at this point. Please write again…
    MURDERER!!! Post pls omg.

  30. i check back everyday with the bleak hope of a new article, titled “Extended Absence” or something, and then recieving a hearty chuckle, followed by days (atleast weeks) of continued posting, only to have my dreams crushed. Please come back Eric.

    The response to the first letter says, “I recently had a conversation with my dead great-grandmother’s spirit via a Ouija Board, and she claimed I was going to be involved in a fatal car accident in the spring of 2008.” That couldn’t have something to do with this prolonged absence could it? D:

  32. This is the funniest blog I have ever stumbled across.

    It’s a pity it hasn’t been updated in a year 🙁 🙁

    Such humor, such class, such brilliance, and we’ve been deprived of it!

  33. i dunno if hes dead. i mean wouldnt the website come down if that were the case? and i mean he has friends and family (id hope. you never know he could be some sort of hermit living in a subterranean abyss), i think they would find it in their heart to report that tragic incident.

  34. Not necessarily. He’s got friends and family, yes, but that doesn’t mean they have access to behind the scenes of his web page, or even the slightest idea where it’s hosted. And websites don’t automatically shut down after the owner dies. That’s some futuristic shit, right there.

    On a side note, I hope Eric really isn’t dead. I enjoy the wit and humour in his wacky little rant blog more than pretty much any other site I’ve ever been to. Maddox who?

  35. My hopeful side is telling me that maybe he’ll post once he gets 100 comments on this article begging him to come back.

  36. Not good, Anonymous. Not good. I’ve quit my job, my girlfriend left me, and all I’ve eaten for four months straight is fried rat. I look like I’ve been chewed up and spat out by Satan.

  37. No shit, rc5… I also dreamed last night that he updated. I’m totally serious.

    Happy Birthday, Ephelant. Wish harder next time, for all our sakes.

  38. “Eric Karjala
    Mar 18 2009 3:10 PM

    I’m doing fine, and my website is merely in hibernation.”


  39. So, Conskunlar Vinc, you pretty much go to random journal entries and copy and paste something that someone else has said previously, yeah?

  40. Hey, no fair– i only just found this site, and it’s hilarious, and then you’re nowhere to be found. C’mon back, man, we need you.

  41. Eric, you have personally said: “September 5, 2000: Three Men and a Tenor
    You know what I hate? When somebody, without warning, doesn’t update their little webpage for, like, a month. I went to this one website, I believe it was called “eKoojarla,” and found that it hadn’t been updated since August 7th. To be honest, that’s irresponsible, and even a little lame.”
    and for this reason, as your own words say, you should return and give the good people your posts.

  42. It’s official now. This site should be renamed

    Eric was a good person, he was funny and witty (online) and we all loved him dearly (again, online).

    R.I.P dear ekarj

  43. One year and one day later… The last line that he wrote: There is nothing magical about dicking people around. I feel e-violated.

  44. 🙁 I came back hoping to see an update… you can assault him on facebook and try to get him to add you as a friend tho 🙂

  45. Aw, don’t do that. Genius needs its alone time. As much as I need his brilliant observational comedy, I don’t think it calls for assaulting his facebook page with countless friend requests and messages. You need to remember, as immortal and powerful as his humour is, he is but a man… and all men deserve their privacy. Leave him alone. On his facebook anyway. Feel free to leave ten million more “PLEASE COME BACK!” comments on this site, though. Maybe, ONE DAY, he will listen.

  46. Great! I stumble across some awesome writing and now the author has gone AWOL!

    Dear EK, I’d definitely read your book if you ever publish one. Love your work!

  47. I thought you should know I have removed this site from my speed dial. I now have quick and easy access to

  48. T’was the internet fame that kilt him, they say. The obscure blogger suddenly burst onto the scene after ages of infrequent posts, and trying to keep up with it was too much.
    RIP eKarj.
    You will be missed.

  49. Hey! Know what I’m really displeased about?! When witty people don’t write new articles for over a year. That’s just sad. Next time you have the impulse to write something new, Mr. Karjala, you should; we’re waiting.

  50. I will never, EVER take this page off my bookmarks list, and I will still check it faithfully every single day of my life… despite the constant heartbreak of no new material. Where are you, Mr. Karjala?

  51. post here if checking this site to see if it’s updated sometimes gives you flashbacks of when your dad left and your mom said it’s because you were bad.

  52. in the “clipart counterinsurgency” letter he says “I recently had a conversation with my dead great-grandmother’s spirit via a Ouija Board, and she claimed I was going to be involved in a fatal car accident in the spring of 2008”, maybe she was right…

  53. Better he retire at the top of his game than slowly fade to the point where he’s hosting telethons on a cable access station somewhere.

    That said, please come back and write something this instant, E-Karj.

  54. So not trying to get peoples hopes up…. but i am erik karjala…. not the eric karjala that all of you guys know and love.

    it is a sad sad sad time right now without eric posting new blogs.

    maybe one day he will return for the great beyond with a new and unbelievably amazing story to tell all of us. with words of wisdom and laughter and a hint of sarcasm. oh yes the story will be glorious,but let us all hope that it will be soon, because without the great eric karjala here to entertain us with his hilarious antics we will one day die from not knowing what happened to him.

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