“Whenever God closes a door” aphorism

People like to claim, “Whenever God closes a door, somewhere else he opens up a window.” What kind of a dick move is this? I’m a grown adult and am certainly not about to crawl through a window. Come on, man, just unlock the door. Why the fuck did you even invite me over?

Imagine you’ve got a friend coming to visit your house, and as he’s walking up the driveway you open the door to greet him. But then when he gets to the porch you suddenly slam the door in his face. Moments later you pop your head out an open second-story window and yell, “Well come on up, dipshit! Time to find a ladder, hahaha!”

I’m not saying there isn’t a time and place for such antics, but please be advised that you’re not teaching anybody a life lesson about overcoming adversity in this scenario—you’re temporarily inconveniencing them for a laugh. They may as well change the aphorism to, “Whenever you try to open the passenger door to God’s Subaru, he locks it right before you lift the handle and starts laughing. Then he pops the trunk and says, “Get in, you little bitch!” Yeah, God, real mature.

26 thoughts on ““Whenever God closes a door” aphorism

  1. I hope you don’t think it awfully forward of me to say that I love you. When you updated again after so long, I broke down into tears and wept for a good 15 minutes. So please, my good sir, update once more. And then once that’s done, update one more time. And, really, just keep doing this, because I haven’t got all day to type “and then one more time” and you haven’t got all day to read it. After all, you should be busy updating. And with life. Whatever.

  2. Just wanted you to know you made my “favorite quotations” list on facebook. And you’re as brilliant now as you were in 2001!

  3. I just got the internet connected at my new house, and this is the best present ever. An actual update from YOU! I love you, man. I’m going to actually weep.

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