If I try hard enough, I can understand why we had to have fire drills in elementary school. While it was probably obvious to most of us that when the fire alarm went off, we were supposed to leave the building, I can maybe see that there could have been a few kids who needed the extra rehearsal that fire drills provided. So, even though we had to go outside into the cold without any jackets on whenever the alarm went off, I guess that, somewhere, this practice has probably saved a couple of lives. But here’s the thing: In my residence hall, we still have these fire drills. Apparently, there are people living here who haven’t quite grasped the concept that leaving a building that is on fire might not be that bad of an idea. Or maybe they just haven’t equated the loud, blaring alarm sound to the possibility of fire. Or maybe there are people here who don’t know how to exit a building.

It’s a good thing we have these drills, though, because otherwise everyone would be saying, “Wait, wait, wait. You’re telling me to go out a door when there’s a fire? And that a “fire alarm” means that there’s probably one of these fires somewhere in the building? Christ, let me get a pen to jot this all down. Are you sure we can’t have some kind of drill for this? This is so complicated. What were we supposed to do when there’s a fire again?” Hell, even somebody like that would know the procedure after twelve years of fire drills throughout grade school.

Now that I think of it, if there ever is a fire, a lot of people would assume that the alarm is just related to another drill, and they’d all stay inside and get burned up. So, in the end, fire drills do serve a purpose–they kill innocent people.

It cost a lot of money to eat at the cafeteria, and the food isn’t that good, yet somehow they have the nerve to serve us french fries that are shaped into little happy faces. I think this is the cafeteria’s way of saying, “Fuck you.”