My zodiac sign is Cancer, which probably means that I’m nature-orientated or creative or open-minded or something like that. Sometimes I like to read my horoscope in MSU’s The State News, because not only do they tell you how your day is going to be, they also proceed to rank the difficulty of your day on a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being the easiest). According to their assessment of my day:

“Today is a 5 — The people at the top of the food chain will be even more aggressive than usual. You find that rather annoying. Why should you be put out because somebody else didn’t manage their time properly? Probably because that’s your job.”

What the hell does that even mean? According to them, my job is to tidy up after the people at the top of the food chain. My horoscope today is so rude. “Why should you be put out? Uh, hello. Probably because that’s your job, dumbass.” I don’t even work today.

The problem is that horoscopes are so vague that they can be interpreted in a thousand different ways. I’ve never seen a horoscope that’s like, “Today, you will wear a blue sweater and somebody will comment to you, ‘Hey didn’t I use to play soccer with you in the 4th grade?’ Later, after eating at Burger King, you will find a dollar bill on the sidewalk. Don’t pick it up, as it is infested with the herpes virus.” I’m going to make up a horoscope for everybody reading this to demonstrate how arbitrary the process is:

“Because of your wise nature, you prefer to be around the company of others. But today, be wary of somebody who might aspire to question your sense of self. Also, you will read a horoscope today. And why should you be put out because of somebody else’s lack of organization? Probably because that’s your job, fool.”