You always hear of people saying how they once secretly used a double-headed quarter to rig a coin flip, but here’s what I’ve always wanted to know: Where the fuck do you get a double-headed quarter? I mean, has anybody ever actually seen one of these mutant coins? And why don’t double-tailed quarters ever get any play? And who the hell is making these things? A retarded currency-plant worker, or just some random guy who knows how to manufacture coins? If I had the ability to manufacture realistic-looking two-headed coins, I’d probably just start producing regular quarters instead and then spend them. But this guy’s like, “Hey, I know how to make real currency! Now I could either produce an infinite amount of money and buy anything I wanted to, or make a few novelty double-headed quarters and play an hilarious prank on my friend. Double-headed quarters it is!”

In sleeping news, I recently had a loft bed put into my dorm room, because loft beds raise a person’s self-esteem. The problem with this loft is that the bottom of it is just short of being tall enough for me to stand up under, and as a result I’m continuously knocking my head against it. Within the first two minutes of it being finished, I literally banged my head on it about a hundred and fifty times. Another problem is that the ladder it came with is rickety and unusable, and so instead of using it I have to climb up on desks and chairs. Every night is a risky and challenging ascension of danger. Then when I wake up I can look forward to having to make an early-morning plunge to the ground some six and a half feet below, wherein I almost always collapse onto my knees from the impact. From there I must painfully crawl to my toothbrush in a pathetic display of loft bed abuse. And that’s pretty much how I start my day.