Back of cereal boxes

So today at Meijer this old woman totally scored an insult off me. I mean, she burned me. See, due to a variety of factors that I won’t go into, I had been looking for some corn nuts, and so I was like, “Where the hell is the nut aisle?” Big mistake. This random woman who’s walking by quips, “Whatever aisle you’re in,” and then starts laughing like a maniac. All I could think to say was, “Awww! That was mean!” I should have insulted her back, but that would have just brought me down to her level. God, only I could get burned by an old woman.

One thing that struck me as being interesting at Meijer was how the back of all the cereal boxes insulted my intelligence. Where the fuck does Kellogg’s get off assuming that only children read the back of their boxes? Personally, whenever I eat cereal, I always feel obligated to read the back of the box during the entire course of my consumption. I believe that this is a normal human compulsion, and approximately half of all the information I know in life is from what I’ve culled from these boxes. None of it is of any use; mostly I’ve learned how to help retarded squirrels find their acorns by completing mazes, or about how to help leprechauns solve some sort of word search puzzle to find missing marshmallows. This is a huge waste, because I swear to Christ that if they included physics equations on the back of Honey Bunches of Oats, I’d have been able to build a rocket ship by now. This leads to my question: Are kids really the only ones who eat cereal? I’ll have to check the statistics on that, but I don’t think so. And if it turns out that they are indeed not, I’d like to know why the hell all the activities on cereal boxes are targeted toward them. No offence to children, but mazes and word searches are kind of easy. Children must be stupid.

Hey, I’d understand if it was only the more sugary and colorful cereals that had this problem, but you could purchase a cereal that nobody under fifty-five years old would ever contemplate eating, like some sort of nasty-ass oat bran flake deal, and the back of the box would still say, “Oh! Please help the magical bunny get to the forest by completing the bran flake maze of mystery!” Fuck you, bran flake maze of mystery. Tell me something interesting.

This problem extends beyond cereal, contaminating the entire snack food industry. The back of the current Ritz Bits Sandwhich crackers box challenges you to “help the filling find the crackers!” by completing a maze. Thanks a lot Nabisco, you’ve successfully assumed that I’m a quizzical retard who is stimulated by a pathetic maze. Or am I to believe that only six-year olds eat Ritz Bits Sandwhich crackers? That’s bullshit, because I saw some guy eating Ritz Bits Sandwhich crackers the other day, and he was about seventy.

OK, I completely made that up, but I did so to make a point: People of all ages enjoy cereal and crackers, and it’s high time they got to truly enjoy the packaging.

One thought on “Back of cereal boxes

  1. I beg to differ. I learned from the back of a box of Kix that the average human skeleton contains 206 bones, which directly led to my close victory in an epic trivia-board-game showdown.

    Also, I have now completely filled the comment queue in the sidebar. A productive night, it is.

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