How Many Sequels to 'The Land Before Time Do We Need' Exactly?
12-5-07  This article quickly devolves into mean-spirited profanity-laced anti-dinosaur rhetoric. Much like the sequels to The Land Before Time, it'd probably be best to pretend this never happened.

Bottled Water Taste Test
4-24-07  Here I review five popular bottled water brands, which is like reviewing five different types of air. This isn't an article so much as a cryptic journey into the abstract, making use of that unreadable wall-of-text style that's so popular on the internet.

One Day I Chanced Upon a Mystery
3-15-07  I get really excited by any kind of mystery bag, because you never know what you're going to find inside. It's the magic of the unknown, a secret dreamscape of possibilities. I'm speaking, of course, about a little thing I like to call our imagination.

Internet '96
7-10-06  I've always wanted to time-travel, but this article is the closest I'll ever come. In it, I examine a few corporate websites from 1996 and mock them in a contrived manner. The results would be soul-crushing if not for our little friend Wizard on a Bicycle. Ride, great wizard! Ride that bicycle, you brave and magical Lego man! 

2004 Election Recap
11-5-04  Some might note that this is not so much an article as it is an incoherent, profanity-laced tirade that relies solely on variations of the f-word to makes its juvenile point. Yes, it is a bit one-note, but I was angry at the time.  

A Short Article About Baseball Cards
11-1-04  Here I scan seven baseball cards from my childhood collection and proceed to write mean captions next to them. The fact is, I’m just jealous that these ballplayers make a lot of money, and making fun of them makes me feel like a big man. 

Board Games & You
10-26-04  They’re still there, on a shelf in your basement. They represent simpler times, before you became jaded and angry with the world around you. But do they make any sense? In this special retrospective, I tackle the controversial subject of board games.