Somehow taking place prior to the beginning of time, the original Land Before Time chronicles the story of a plucky dinosaur named Littlefoot and his journey to the Great Valley. Along the way he meets several dinosaur friends. Mistakes are made. Obstacles are overcome. Eventually they reach the Great Valley and reunite with their indifferent families.

It turns out the world would have been a better place had their Tyrannosaurus pursuer gotten a hold of these cute little baby dinosaurs and chewed them apart. This might have given children nightmares, but at least they wouldn’t have had to endure the multitude of heinous sequels. Each subsequent installment of The Land Before Time is not only an affront to beloved animator Don Bluth’s original vision, they are an affront to all the previous affronts before them. By the time you get to the fourth installment, the movies have become so exponentially repulsive that it’s impossible to simultaneously look at their box covers and believe in God. Come along with me on this fantastic voyage into atheism.

The Land Before Time II: The Great Valley Adventure
Released: 12/23/94

Everyone’s delighted with the arrival of a blue “Sharptooth” (which is retard for “Tyrannosaurus Rex”). Notice how Littlefoot has completely gotten over the fact that his mother was eaten by a Sharptooth at the beginning of the first Land Before Time. Suddenly Littlefoot wouldn’t mind if this new dinosaur went ahead and ate the rest of his family, as long as it benefited VHS sales. Unfortunately, the only thing the baby Sharptooth consumes is the emotional resonance of the original film.

The Land Before Time III: The Time of the Great Giving
Released: 12/12/95

It is The Time of Great Giving and also The Land Before Time, which is among the dumbest things I’ve ever heard. That’s like naming a movie “The Last of the Mohicans: The Dawn of Ten Million Additional Mohicans.” Also, note how green little Ducky to the left couldn’t be more enthusiastic watching Littlefoot lap up some water from a leaf. What a terrific multidimensional character. I can only pray that “The Time of Great Giving” refers to the distribution of cancer.

The Land Before Time IV: Journey Through The Mists
Released: 12/10/96

I can’t tell if this is a story about Littlefoot’s first girlfriend, or a story about him getting cloned. It’s also possible that he gets cloned and then starts dating his blue-eyed doppelganger. Their “Journey Through The Mists” is also pretty ambiguous. You can tell that the series is already running on fumes, though, because this is only the fourth movie and they’ve already journeyed back and forth through the mists like 17 times.

The Land Before Time V: The Mysterious Island
Released: 12/9/97

Look, it’s the return of the blue Sharptooth from the second film! And he’s somehow become an even smaller baby. Don’t mind the shark in the background. Littlefoot and his friends are contractually obligated to jump over a shark at least a dozen times per sequel. Now the shark is just harmlessly darting around the ocean with the same maniacal shit-eating grin seen on every other character.

The Land Before Time VI: The Secret of Saurus Rock
Released: 12/1/98

You’re probably wondering how that Brachiosaurus managed to get up on that outcropping of rocks, or what possessed him to climb up there in the first place. Those aren’t the only moronic secrets associated with Saurus Rock. How about the secret of why Cera suddenly has two colorful babies? Or the secret about what Littlefoot’s staring at with his big creepy eyes? If you said, “Who gives a shit?,” congratulations—you’ve uncovered the secret of Saurus Rock!

The Land Before Time VII: The Stone of Cold Fire
Released: 12/5/00

This installment appears to introduce the subject of meteorites, a tantalizing allusion to the long-awaited extinction of these bastard dinosaur children. The only problem is that evidently this is a rare “cold fire” meteorite—and it also appears to be coming from the earth, not the sky. This is probably just a movie about a snowball or some other similar horseshit. Meanwhile, Cera has found the audacity to begin wearing lipstick. Would it be so difficult to at least kill her?

The Land Before Time VIII: The Big Freeze
Released: 12/4/01

Is this finally it—is this the weather change that could disrupted the dinosaur ecosystem and finally eliminate Littlefoot and his irritating friends? Nope—take one look at all their little jackass smirks. It’s as if they’re saying, “Haha, assholes, we’re going to make another 20 movies. We love ruining your beloved childhood film.” Why not just go ahead and dig up our childhood pets and light them on fire?

The Land Before Time IX: Journey to Big Water
Released: 12/10/02

This movie was shortened from its original title, “The Journey to Big Water So That Littlefoot Can Dunk His Head into the Water Like an Asshole.” Please, hideous mutant yellow-and-purple fish creature, please just grab Littlefoot and keep his head underwater for a few minutes. Let’s just end this right now. Or you could just bob around and clap your fins or whatever the fuck you think you’re doing.

The Land Before Time X: The Great Longneck Migration
Released: 12/2/02

You can’t just take a routine event and preface it with the word “great” to make it sound important. So the longnecks are migrating—who cares? It’s a migration. They do this every year. I can’t wait for the sequel “The Land Before Time: The Great Longneck Migration Back to Their Original Location.” And look at Ducky pointing the way forward. Shut up, you little shit, they know where they’re going.

The Land Before Time XI: Invasion of the Tinysauruses
Released: 1/11/05

Finally, The Land Before Time has the courage to tackle the controversial Tinysaurus invasion of 130,000,000 BC. Some archeologists claim that the notion of a Tinysaurus invasion is “historically inaccurate” and “mind-bogglingly retarded,” but The Land Before Time gives us an alterative perspective also worth considering. I don’t think it’s fair that children are taught the Non-Tinysaurus Invasion theory in schools. There are two conflicting theories and children need to decide for themselves whether the Tinysauruses Invaded or not. (Hint: they did).

The Land Before Time XII: The Great Day of the Flyers
Released: 2/27/07

Wow, just look at all these motherfucking dinosaurs. If you saw these things in person, which one would you punch first? And I don’t even want to know what that anorexic blue gremlin thing is supposed to be, but the minute he’s shot will be a moment everyone can cherish.

The Land Before Time XIII: The Wisdom of Friends
Released: 11/27/07

“All kids will enjoy this adventure!” raves made up critic Carolyn Graham from the fictional L.A. Parent. At this point, there aren’t even any conflicts or mysteries left to resolve—we’re down to a few autistic friends sharing their moronic wisdom. Cuba Gooding Jr. rounds out this animated genocide. Does this take place in The Land Before Time or The Land Before Self-Respect?

If The Land Before Time wants some actual wisdom, I have plenty to offer. Why not stop desecrating a cherished film with an ungodly parade of inane sequels? Children might be cajoled to sit in front of these abominations, but children are notoriously stupid and will watch anything. And there’s a difference between letting your children watch something meaningful and letting them watch these soulless transgressions against humanity. Was the first Land Before Time even a good a children’s movie? It's no longer possible to tell because its corpse is so riddled with dickholes.

On a more positive note: If you’re a fan of The Land Before Time series, keep your eyes peeled for The Land Before Time XIV, scheduled for release on DVD in 2008.