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People like to claim, “Whenever God closes a door, somewhere else he opens up a window.” What kind of a dick move is this? I’m a grown adult and am certainly not about to crawl through a window. Come on, man, just unlock the door. Why the fuck did you even invite me over?

Imagine you’ve got a friend coming to visit your house, and as he’s walking up the driveway you open the door to greet him. But then when he gets to the porch you suddenly slam the door in his face. Moments later you pop your head out an open second-story window and yell, “Well come on up, dipshit! Time to find a ladder, hahaha!”

I’m not saying there isn’t a time and place for such antics, but please be advised that you’re not teaching anybody a life lesson about overcoming adversity in this scenario—you’re temporarily inconveniencing them for a laugh. They may as well change the aphorism to, “Whenever you try to open the passenger door to God’s Subaru, he locks it right before you lift the handle and starts laughing. Then he pops the trunk and says, “Get in, you little bitch!” Yeah, God, real mature.

Comments (26) to ““Whenever God closes a door” aphorism”

  1. We never stopped believing man. Also I serenely await your next post in 2012

  2. Woo, he is back! 😀

  3. Good to have you back man!

  4. Oh What? Finally!

  5. LOL. How non-chalant.

    I didn’t even believe it when I saw a new post in my RSS

  6. What is that.

    What IS that.

  7. LOL.

    Yay! Update! <3 <3

  8. Tears are in the process of cohesion in my eyes. The twinkle in my internet loafing has returned.

  9. Hooray! The internet is whole once more!

  10. H O L Y C R A P

    I have finally been rewarded for keeping ekarj in google reader!!!!

  11. I was just talking to my friend about this and suddenly a new post! Life is good, so good.

  12. TWO FUCKING YEARS! i checked regularly, never thinking he’d come back…

    … something smells clammy.

  13. I hope you don’t think it awfully forward of me to say that I love you. When you updated again after so long, I broke down into tears and wept for a good 15 minutes. So please, my good sir, update once more. And then once that’s done, update one more time. And, really, just keep doing this, because I haven’t got all day to type “and then one more time” and you haven’t got all day to read it. After all, you should be busy updating. And with life. Whatever.

  14. Glad to see the last 21 months haven’t sapped your wit. Welcome back!

  15. I checked and I checked

    Good to see you back

  16. Ahh! You’re alive! Huzzah!

  17. YES. all is right with the world.

  18. oh. my. goodness.

  19. Love it! Hilarious.. I want to read more.

  20. Welcome back. You have made the last year and a half of checking for updates worth it.

  21. this is why I kept this tab bookmarked for over a year!

  22. Just wanted you to know you made my “favorite quotations” list on facebook. And you’re as brilliant now as you were in 2001!

  23. I just got the internet connected at my new house, and this is the best present ever. An actual update from YOU! I love you, man. I’m going to actually weep.

  24. Great to have you back and all that yada, but what a pity your return had to be accompanied by the rank stench of hypocrisy.

    I’m referring to your posting of 8/8/06: https://www.msu.edu/~karjalae/

    Yeah Karjala, real mature.


    Thank you.

  26. Too awesome.

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