February 21, 2010: “Whenever God closes a door” aphorism
People like to claim, “Whenever God closes a door, somewhere else he opens up a window.” What kind of a dick move is this? I’m a grown adult and am certainly not about to crawl through a window. Come on, man, just unlock the door. Why the fuck did you even invite me over?
Imagine you’ve got a friend coming to visit your house, and as he’s walking up the driveway you open the door to greet him. But then when he gets to the porch you suddenly slam the door in his face. Moments later you pop your head out an open second-story window and yell, “Well come on up, dipshit! Time to find a ladder, hahaha!”
I’m not saying there isn’t a time and place for such antics, but please be advised that you’re not teaching anybody a life lesson about overcoming adversity in this scenario—you’re temporarily inconveniencing them for a laugh. They may as well change the aphorism to, “Whenever you try to open the passenger door to God’s Subaru, he locks it right before you lift the handle and starts laughing. Then he pops the trunk and says, “Get in, you little bitch!” Yeah, God, real mature.
Ephelant wrote:
We never stopped believing man. Also I serenely await your next post in 2012
Posted on 21-Feb-10 at 11:42 pm | Permalink
sixcorners wrote:
Woo, he is back!
Posted on 21-Feb-10 at 11:51 pm | Permalink
Croux wrote:
Good to have you back man!
Posted on 22-Feb-10 at 12:13 pm | Permalink
jors wrote:
Oh What? Finally!
Posted on 22-Feb-10 at 2:04 pm | Permalink
Chris wrote:
LOL. How non-chalant.
I didn’t even believe it when I saw a new post in my RSS
Posted on 22-Feb-10 at 3:45 pm | Permalink
Bibble wrote:
What is that.
What IS that.
Posted on 22-Feb-10 at 8:05 pm | Permalink
rc5 wrote:
LOL.
Yay! Update! <3 <3
Posted on 22-Feb-10 at 10:57 pm | Permalink
Thizzle wrote:
Tears are in the process of cohesion in my eyes. The twinkle in my internet loafing has returned.
Posted on 23-Feb-10 at 2:12 am | Permalink
lena wrote:
Hooray! The internet is whole once more!
Posted on 23-Feb-10 at 3:03 am | Permalink
Brade wrote:
H O L Y C R A P
I have finally been rewarded for keeping ekarj in google reader!!!!
Posted on 23-Feb-10 at 1:10 pm | Permalink
evc wrote:
I was just talking to my friend about this and suddenly a new post! Life is good, so good.
Posted on 23-Feb-10 at 6:35 pm | Permalink
theclam wrote:
TWO FUCKING YEARS! i checked regularly, never thinking he’d come back…
… something smells clammy.
Posted on 23-Feb-10 at 6:43 pm | Permalink
Silly-kins von Silly wrote:
I hope you don’t think it awfully forward of me to say that I love you. When you updated again after so long, I broke down into tears and wept for a good 15 minutes. So please, my good sir, update once more. And then once that’s done, update one more time. And, really, just keep doing this, because I haven’t got all day to type “and then one more time” and you haven’t got all day to read it. After all, you should be busy updating. And with life. Whatever.
Posted on 25-Feb-10 at 3:40 am | Permalink
T wrote:
Glad to see the last 21 months haven’t sapped your wit. Welcome back!
Posted on 25-Feb-10 at 11:35 pm | Permalink
G.P. Gonzalez wrote:
I checked and I checked
Good to see you back
Posted on 26-Feb-10 at 9:39 pm | Permalink
mando wrote:
Ahh! You’re alive! Huzzah!
Posted on 28-Feb-10 at 1:10 am | Permalink
ani wrote:
YES. all is right with the world.
Posted on 28-Feb-10 at 8:07 pm | Permalink
Jorden wrote:
oh. my. goodness.
Posted on 01-Mar-10 at 12:57 pm | Permalink
Maria wrote:
Love it! Hilarious.. I want to read more.
Posted on 09-Mar-10 at 1:01 pm | Permalink
Shaura wrote:
Welcome back. You have made the last year and a half of checking for updates worth it.
Posted on 09-Mar-10 at 1:29 pm | Permalink
stoney wrote:
this is why I kept this tab bookmarked for over a year!
Posted on 16-Mar-10 at 4:34 pm | Permalink
serratiasue wrote:
Just wanted you to know you made my “favorite quotations” list on facebook. And you’re as brilliant now as you were in 2001!
Posted on 21-Mar-10 at 5:37 pm | Permalink
PsychoticSquid wrote:
I just got the internet connected at my new house, and this is the best present ever. An actual update from YOU! I love you, man. I’m going to actually weep.
Posted on 29-Mar-10 at 11:22 pm | Permalink
Pauli wrote:
Great to have you back and all that yada, but what a pity your return had to be accompanied by the rank stench of hypocrisy.
I’m referring to your posting of 8/8/06: https://www.msu.edu/~karjalae/
Yeah Karjala, real mature.
Posted on 03-May-10 at 5:53 am | Permalink
DT wrote:
I THOUGHT THIS WAS A LIE AT FIRST.
Thank you.
Posted on 06-Jun-10 at 4:27 pm | Permalink
Mat wrote:
Too awesome.
Posted on 16-Jun-10 at 11:14 pm | Permalink