People are wont to give away all sorts of awards. I recently read in a catalogue about a stapler that was purported to have an “award-winning” design. Sounds pretty prestigious until you consider the fact that there’s no such thing as an award for office supplies. I know there isn’t because if there was, everyone would buy tickets to this marvelous gala event. But you mustn’t just give away awards willy-nilly—if you do the whole concept becomes meaningless.

The fact is, if you have ever been given any awards you may as well throw them in the dumpster, because very few awards really matter. Your so-called “gold” and “silver” medallions are not actually made of gold and silver. I can’t say what they’re actually made of since I’ve never won any awards, but I’m imagining a cheap chalky type of plastic. Trophies are the same—those fit little golden men and women in their fancy athletic poses. They’re concentrating extremely hard on their little sport, and you can tell they’re probably really good at it, but come on. You needn’t put these creepy little men on your mantel. All you’re doing is making me feel bad that the only trophies I have are a swimming trophy from the ninth grade and a miniature golf trophy from Putt-Putt. I’m not particularly good at miniature golf, and I can’t say why my local Putt-Putt even bothered awarding trophies, but I honestly do have this trophy in my possession. I would never throw him in the dumpster. He is a little golden man carefully lining up his little golden putter and he’s just about the greatest thing I’ve ever won in my entire life.