Movie critics

When movie critics see a corporate logo in something they’re reviewing, they love to call that film a “two-hour commercial.” For example, I read the reviews from about four different critics who said Cast Away was a two-hour commercial for FedEx. They all that thought that they were being pretty clever. But do these critics realize that there are corporate logos in real life, too? When they go shopping do they call their experience an hour-long commercial for Meijer? Do they call their drives down the highway a three-hour commercial for exit 19’s Taco Bell? Or are they just retarded?

I think that most professional critics use a specialized set of Magnetic Poetry to write their reviews. They’ll randomly select a word like “wildly” and then add an adjective like “extraordinary.” Then they’ll make some bullshit up about how the movie tries to parallel the Civil Rights movement, and then they’ll talk about how it ultimately fails because the characters are not indelible enough. Then they’ll usually go on a tirade about how movies were better back in the 30s and about how the “kids don’t know what they’re talking about these days.”

That’s why I usually just go to the Internet Movie Database and read user’s comments when I need to figure out if a movie is good or not. For example, here is an actual review somebody wrote for Pulp Fiction:

Pulp Fiction is not a good movie I think. It has some enjoyable moments, but it is actually too confusing, because of the time and place ( they ALWAYS change! ). That is not good for a movie, I think. I do not think that it is one of the best 25 films ever. I mean, what is the great thing about that movie? It is just another piece about drugs and killing each other. Come on?! I rated it a 4/10, because it is quite original and has some funny jokes. But it is definitely not that good.

I know what this guys is talking about. I hate when movies change their time and place during the course of the movie. It’s so confusing! Why can’t we just see a still-frame of one scene and watch that? If a director’s going to be switching the place the characters are at, I don’t see how I can follow what’s going on.

Speaking of movies, I recently saw Reindeer Games, which was really boring, but it did include the greatest line in cinematic history when the obligatory black guys says, “Man, they got a shit load of cookies!” The funniest part was that all of the other characters completely ignored him. Also, the people who he was talking about didn’t even have that many cookies, let alone an entire shit load. Yet, somehow, it was still the funniest thing I have ever seen.

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