Colleges are always appalled when students riot or get into huge fights after a major sporting victory, but this is kind of a mixed message when you consider that during games students are coerced into chanting so-called “fight songs.” These are spirited songs that sound exactly alike from college to college, and they’re job is to provoke fans into a state of high emotion necessary for properly rooting for their team and then rioting for their team after the game. God bless my alma mater, but the Michigan State fight song is a little ridiculous. Included in this lyrical masterpiece are the following lines:

On the banks of the Red Cedar/There’s a school that’s known to all
It’s specialty is winning/And those Spartans play good ball
I kind of wish Michigan State’s specialty was providing a quality education, but no. Our specialty is winning sporting events. That’s fantastic. This should go over well at my next job interview.

Spartan teams are never beaten/All through the game they’ll fight
Fight for the only colors: Green and White
Right. Spartan teams are never beaten. OK, but if we’re never beaten, how do you explain the fact that our football team is 4-5 right now? To me that means we’ve been beaten five times this year. But perhaps the song is merely suggesting that our team is never mentally beaten, that at heart we’re always winners, like when our quarterback got suspended for cocaine addiction two years ago.

Rah! Rah! Rah! See their team is weakening/We’re going to win this game
Fight! Fight! Rah! Team, Fight!/Victory for MSU
Rah! Rah! Fight! Rah! Fight! Rah! Rah! Fight! Fight! Fight! Kill! Kill! Start fires! Somehow MSU expects people to sing this song but also refrain from fighting or rioting after the game. This is kind of like making somebody sing a drinking song and then telling them to stay completely sober. I just flipped over my chair and set it on fire, and I didn’t even sing the song out loud.