May 18, 2008: Magic 8-balls
I’m very displeased when a Magic 8-Ball says “cannot predict now” or “ask again later” or some other similar horseshit. What could a plastic die floating in blue slime possibly be doing that it’s too busy to answer my question? Maybe these snide non-committal messages are meant to be some sort of a joke, but in practice the only logical response to them is to immediately just reshake the ball. Why are you wasting my time in this fashion? The equivalent to this would be if in every Tarot deck there was a card that said, “Sorry, we can’t really figure out your fortune this hand. Fuck you, reshuffle the deck.” Magic 8-Ball manufacturers should just create a fewer-sided fortune die and throw the neutral messages in the garbage, because that would really save me a lot of time late at night when I’m trying to determine whether a girl likes me. And there’s nothing “magical” about dicking people around.
Kuvetli wrote:
WOW! I totally agree… but then again, does the magic work if you instantly re-shake it and it said “ask again later”? Technically, it IS later, but it makes it sound like MUCH later. Damn, they need an instructions manual for these things!
Posted on 19-May-08 at 12:09 pm | Permalink
John wrote:
It means you’re querying the ball just as the threads of fate happen to be obscured by the mists of time. For the magic eightball to hazard a prediction at such a moment — well that would be just reckless! In refusing to predict, it’s actually exercising great prudence.
Posted on 19-May-08 at 1:19 pm | Permalink
Jake wrote:
Perhaps it’s just time to find a new inanimate, omniscient, gambling related object to ask life’s toughest questions. May I suggest the Mystical Loaded Dice?
Posted on 19-May-08 at 6:47 pm | Permalink
The Mad Macedonian wrote:
RE: What could a plastic die floating in blue slime possibly be doing that it’s too busy to answer my question?
Answer 1: It’s a secret.
Answer 2: Yours not to reason why, yours but to…
Answer 3. Whatever the hell it wants to. That’s why it’s a plastic die floating in blue slime, and you are not.
My question to you is: How is it that, until a few minutes ago, I’d never even heard of your wonderful, thought provoking site? ;-D
U have been Blogrolled. ;-D
Posted on 25-May-08 at 1:23 am | Permalink
Margaret Britowski wrote:
Dude. It’s been like a month. Where are you?
Posted on 10-Jun-08 at 6:25 pm | Permalink
Lardvark wrote:
I make all of my major decisions with the assistance of the Magic 8 Ball.
Posted on 11-Jun-08 at 3:56 pm | Permalink
Captaindansrobot wrote:
I just asked an 8-ball if eKarj would be updated this week. “Outlook not so good”
Posted on 11-Jun-08 at 11:22 pm | Permalink
Ueli wrote:
Now you’ve gone and incited the wrath of various mystical trinkets and insert keys. We’ll expect a nice long article detailing the thrilling tale of your hostageship when you get back. If you get back.
Posted on 12-Jun-08 at 10:32 am | Permalink
Jo wrote:
You’re killin me Smalls. I want s’more, please post.
Posted on 16-Jun-08 at 10:18 pm | Permalink
Jared wrote:
I hope you know, when you don’t post, I die a little inside.
Posted on 19-Jun-08 at 11:38 am | Permalink
Kuvetli wrote:
Whatever happened to the “more frequent posts” promise? LIES! LIES I TELL YOU! *bursts into tears*
Posted on 20-Jun-08 at 1:13 am | Permalink
Ueli wrote:
WE WILL NOT NEGOTIATE
Posted on 20-Jun-08 at 8:01 pm | Permalink
Tim wrote:
Will everyone please give Karjala a break? I mean, why don’t some of you write hilarious blogs of your own? It’s hard work.
Posted on 21-Jun-08 at 10:13 am | Permalink
Ephelant wrote:
You’ve just been pronounced legally dead. What are you going to do next?
Posted on 22-Jun-08 at 11:35 am | Permalink
rc5 wrote:
Posting from beyond the grave, if he knows what’s good for him. >=C
Posted on 22-Jun-08 at 2:39 pm | Permalink
PsychoticSquid wrote:
I NEED YOU.
Posted on 23-Jun-08 at 8:38 am | Permalink
Margaret Britowski wrote:
BITCH BITCH MOAN BITCH BAWWWWWW
Posted on 23-Jun-08 at 11:01 pm | Permalink
Sell wrote:
For god’s sake when are you going to post another entry?! Been over a month. Everyday I click my bookmark for this page and presto *nothing*. Getting pretty weak here.
Posted on 24-Jun-08 at 3:45 pm | Permalink
Ueli wrote:
We will consider negotiating.
Posted on 26-Jun-08 at 12:29 am | Permalink
rickard wrote:
lol half of you don’t even know the meaning of no posts, you guys have only been here for a year or so. i’ve been at this site more or less everyday since the start, i know aaaaall about the 1-12 month breaks in posts. stop complaining.
Posted on 26-Jun-08 at 3:45 pm | Permalink
Kuvetli wrote:
We’re not so much complaining (well, at least me) as saying that we miss his hilarious musings and we wish that he would express himself through his wonderful writing more often… although I know about the 1-12 month breaks in posts from reading previous posts, I guess I hope by posting that maybe he’ll see that a lot of people are reading his site and he’ll be more encouraged to update
Posted on 27-Jun-08 at 4:15 pm | Permalink
rickard wrote:
alright, legit.
Posted on 29-Jun-08 at 1:21 am | Permalink
PsychoticSquid wrote:
The fans, consuming all in their quest for amusing witticisms, rampaged on a relentless path of hunger and despair. They devoured their fellow human beings, stopping only to admire their handiwork, and prowled the darkened streets in an attempt to satiate their needs. The world began to crumble under the weight of their desire, the human race as we know it bowing before the might of its intensity. Something had to be done. One man could save them all. One man could restore peace to the world now enveloped by flames. One man could twist their splintered hearts back into a tangible shape. It was time to summon him. It was time to act…
Posted on 01-Jul-08 at 9:46 am | Permalink
Ephelant wrote:
I’m all for PsychoticSquid’s version of this happening; I’d probably personally strangle everyone in this comment thread to convince you not to stop writin’ here. (SORRY GUYS NO OFFENSE YOU KNOW HOW WE ROLL.)
Posted on 01-Jul-08 at 10:32 am | Permalink
Heather Karjala wrote:
Happy Birthday
Posted on 06-Jul-08 at 9:28 pm | Permalink
Chris wrote:
I wish you would write something new. It’s been awhile.
Posted on 11-Jul-08 at 6:54 pm | Permalink
Ash wrote:
I found the Pirate Mitty comic in my Random Pictures folder a while back and couldn’t think where the Hell it came from. Then yesterday I stumbled upon this tundra of genius. I’d been here before!
Posted on 13-Jul-08 at 7:17 pm | Permalink
Ralph wrote:
Did you fucking die?
Posted on 30-Jul-08 at 11:10 pm | Permalink
Bri wrote:
So…I miss you.
lots.
Posted on 01-Aug-08 at 10:57 pm | Permalink
Kuvetli wrote:
I miss your wit… so I read your archives whilst you are away! But it wouldn’t hurt to see more new wit!
Posted on 02-Aug-08 at 12:09 am | Permalink
Ollie-O wrote:
Your genius inspired me to make my own blog one year ago, and every day I check your site without an update is a day I die a little on the inside.
Posted on 05-Aug-08 at 4:37 am | Permalink
blue lanugo wrote:
They say that hunger makes the best sauce. And so that’s how I know (when you finally DO post)…
that I’m really going to enjoy it.
Hungrily yours,
John
Posted on 05-Aug-08 at 3:41 pm | Permalink
Alvolio wrote:
PLEASE UPDATE I NEED MORE BONERS
Posted on 08-Aug-08 at 5:24 pm | Permalink
Angie wrote:
so, um, ekarj. what the hell, man? time for a hunger strike until you post, GANDHI STYLE.
Posted on 09-Aug-08 at 11:16 pm | Permalink
John wrote:
You could always ask adam - http://www.askadamanything.com - but then most of the answers seem pretty insulting…
Posted on 17-Aug-08 at 7:15 pm | Permalink
Mike wrote:
I linked to your blog on my blog.
Where’d you go, though? I printed out all of your old articles to read on the train and because I hate the environment and everyone kept staring at me because I was laughing so hard.
Posted on 18-Aug-08 at 12:47 pm | Permalink
Erin wrote:
Here’s the thing. I just split open my finger, and I’m pretty upset about it. But I really think a new post could make me feel a whole lot better.
Posted on 06-Sep-08 at 3:44 am | Permalink