Zero Tolerance

According to recent reports, I have not updated this site in awhile. I believe one of the reasons for this is because I’ve become embroiled in a legal scandal known only as “People of State of Michigan vs. Eric Karjala,” which has taken up quite a lot of my free time. When the court case began, I thought to myself, “Well surely the entire state isn’t against me on this one.” But when I showed up in court, every single resident of Michigan was there, most of them holding pitchforks and torches. The People of State of Michigan were clearly pissed off with me.

My tale of rebellious criminal activity originates last summer, when me and some of my chums were returning from a little place known as Canada. To make a long story short, we got pulled over in Farmington, Michigan for speeding, and, to make a short story even shorter, I was soon whisked away to a detainment cell. Prior to entering this cell, they forced me to empty my pockets, the contents of which included a comb. This was so that I couldn’t comb my hair while in the cell. They also took away my wallet, so that I couldn’t somehow construct a bomb using my Blockbuster video card and some Subway stamps, which had been my original plan. And in one last final act of humiliation, they inexplicably made me take off my shoes. I think this was because they suspected that if I tapped my shoes together three times, I could have summoned a magical wizard who would have helped me escape.

One might ask what I did to deserve these hours in the cell. One might answer that when they pulled me over for speeding, they gave me a breathalyzer test and I scored a .03 BAC. If you follow alcohol, this is approximately what you get when you sit across from a hobo on a public bus. There is no physical way a .03 BAC could affect somebody’s driving ability unless you are a kitten, and kittens shouldn’t really be driving in the first place. However, because I was 19 and a minor, this amount was enough to get me in trouble in accordance with Michigan’s Zero Tolerance policy. This policy means that, no matter what you do, they have no tolerance for it. They should create an A Little Bit of Tolerance policy, because I think having zero tolerance is pretty immature.

As it was, however, I was forced to attend what is known as a “pretrial.” This consists of you sitting on a chair in the hallway while your attorney and your prosecutor make jokes with each other in a separate room which you’re not allowed to enter. Sine they’ve all bumped into each other so often in the legal circuit, all the attorneys are good friends with all the prosecutors, and they aren’t really too concerned with what ends up happening to you. In my case, my attorney eventually told me to just plead guilty, which I did about a month ago. The People of State of Michigan had finally won, and townsfolk throughout the state immediately began celebrating their victory against me. Damn you, People of State of Michigan!

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