Man alive! You know, for a country that can’t decide what millennia it’s in, it’s no surprise that it can’t decide on a President. All I’m saying is this: If Bush is finally elected, anything bad that happens over the next four years is all Florida’s fault. Now, I have no beef with Florida. I like their weather and I enjoy their peoples. Though come to think of it, I once went to their “Universal Studios,” and came away vastly disappointed. For every single ride they have, they’ve figured out how to tie in fire, and when you get close enough to it, you’re actually in pain. Take “Jaws,” for example. I’m riding around on their boat-on-a-track, and the animated model of jaws is swimming around, providing ample enjoyment. But then there’s some explosion, and a fire is blazing up ahead as the boat continues on. “Oh, hey, there’s Jaws! Man, this ride is sweet! Wait a minute, is that more fire up ahead? Oh, bloody hell, no! Stop the ride, I get the point! For the love of God! It burns!”
Yeah, “Universal Studios” was pretty sweet. But back to this year’s election. Now, I voted for Al Gore, or, as I like to call him, “Al Gore,” but he probably won’t get elected due to Florida’s Tom-Foolery with their ballots, as I’m sure everybody knows by now. So now there’s all this recounting and court mumbo-jumbo, and everyone’s all, “Oh, I couldn’t see what hole I was supposed to punch,” and, “Oh, let’s go revote,” and all the networks are like, “Oh, Gore’s going to win Florida, unless Bush does, which he probably will. This just in: Florida’s back up for grabs.” And then Bush is all, “Well, now that’s some fuzzy math,” and Gore’s all hiding Bush away in some sort of lock-box, and nobody knows what’s going on, and all the newspapers are reporting the wrong things, and some dead guy even got elected to the Senate. Dang, I picked a fine year to turn 18.