When people are talking in class, my science professor always says, “I can wait for you people to stop talking.” Next time he says this, I’m just going to be like, “Alright, cool. Just give us another ten minutes.”

Because I hate my science class. It’s such a downer. All we learn about is how volcanoes caused by earthquakes can create mudslides that kill people in Ethiopia, or about how global warming is slowly melting glaciers, which will ruin the ecosystem and kill everyone off. That’s what they talk about in newspapers, too, and so I’m forced to read about all of that to start off my day. Thankfully, there’s the goddamned funnies.

For those of you who don’t know, they’re called the funnies because, compared to them, global warming is hilarious. In today’s Marmaduke, for example, we see said dog yawning while his owner says to his neighbor, “I don’t think he’s impressed with how tough you had it when you were younger.” Oh, Marmaduke, you scamp! That dog doesn’t care who he offends with his ill manners!

The only funny comic strip these days is Mark Trail, which is about a man from 1953 who walks around and discusses the nature of sea turtles while slowly, slowly solving crime. People have told me that it’s intended to be a serious comic, but that doesn’t stop it from being funny. For instance, here’s an example of a strip where Mark Trail must stop some people from pulling a dog’s ears. I’m not kidding when I say that it took him four entire days to get them off the dog. The man takes his time, but he always gets the job done—you have to give him that.