Ordering bar food

I have developed a new technique for when you’re trying to attract a person’s attention at the bar. Most people order their prospective mate a drink, which is fine—if you want to play that tired little game of cat and mouse. If however you actually want to leave an impression, consider having your waitress send them over something to snack on. From across the bar you will be treated to the following scene: there will be a confused conversation between the waitress and the girl you fancy, followed by the waitress gesturing toward your table. Signal with your index finger or a thumbs up that the food is indeed for her to enjoy.

For the rest of the night the girl will be eyeing you—with a look of trepidation, maybe, but at least now she knows you’re not just kidding around. Not every food item works equally well, so if it’s available on the menu, play it safe and order her chili cheese fries. Regular cheese fries will do in a pinch, but you’re really not going to get anywhere without the chili. There is something special about the way people eat chili cheese fries when they are bewildered out of their mind. The best food to order them is a large bowl of soup, especially when there’s an entire group of girls. Instruct your waitress to place the soup in the center of their table with a single spoon. This doubles as a fun gambling game to play with your friends: Who will take the spoon and begin eating the soup? Will they ask the waitress for more spoons? Whatever they decide to do, I’m pretty sure that this is considered checkmate. You may now approach the girl of your choice and receive your make out session.

12 thoughts on “Ordering bar food

  1. That’s excellent. Trying that at my first bar haunt.
    Alternatively, you can use economic pick up lines. Like “Are you the Reserve Bank? cz u r raising my interest rates.”
    Love the inane rumblings that is your website btw.

  2. Mmm, chili cheese fries. Also, flamingeyebrows, if a pickup line was clever enough, it just might work on me. My friend Andrew once came up with a great one, something along the lines of “girl, I’m gonna have to make a citizen’s arrest, because you’ve been disturbing my piece all night.” Hee. Pickup line + pun = comedy gold, my friend.

  3. Most girls i know hate pick up lines. My fav one i like to use is “Do you believe in love at first sight or shoud i walk past u again.”
    I must say though, that pick up line of ur friend could lead to a slapping in a wrong crowd.
    How about sending the girl a bowl of fortune cookies with pick up lines inside to double ur chances?

  4. Maybe, but you would have to carry around a basket of customized fortune cookies with you to the bar, which requires tremendous forethought. You kids have mentioned some good pick-up lines, but in general I think pick-up lines are a bit too explicit. You mustn’t let them know you’re interested. Even if a girl who you like approaches you, you have to yell at them, “Get away from me, freakshow!” and physically push them away. Don’t give them your phone number and never make eye contact. If they’re still trying to pursue you, literally run out of the bar. Just get the hell out of there and don’t look back, and it doesn’t even matter where you run. You might even consider going to the police the next day and filing for a restraining order. And then there it is, you’ve done it–you’ve gotten them intrigued. The ball’s in their court now.

  5. i think that your website is a joke, i laugh all the time, in fact, it is really what gets me through the day, thanks, your true love and lover forever (please consider this harassment) yours truly, balls.

  6. I would be very worried if someone who like to call themselves ‘balls’ declared undying love for me. But hey Balls, send him some chilli cheese fries. He might be interested.

  7. Aryeh: thanks, but I can’t be a genius. I’m not even smart enough to move out of Michigan. Somebody needs to invent a machine that moves people out of Michigan–something like an airplane or another fantasy vehicle. One day I’m just going to have to follow in the great Natalie’s footsteps and go on a cross-country moving expedition for three months and produce my own version of Natalie’s Backseat Traveling Web Show. By the way, if Natalie was 12 in 1996, she’d be about 22 today. Odds are pretty good that at some point she was arrested for running a meth lab and is currently producing Natalie’s Amazing County Jail Web Show for the delight of her other cellmates. That’s what I like about Natalie, she’s batshit crazy

  8. Licks finger then wipes on desired girls shirt.

    “Lets get you out of those wet clothes!”

    Works every time… that’s how I got my girlfriend I have today!

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