I had a dream last night which was both vivid and stupid. I was in a house I didn’t recognize, speaking with a girl I’d never met. She was a credulous sort, taken to offbeat theories on spirituality. Specifically she claimed that one could transport oneself back in time with a certain kind of meditation. She was clearly crazy, but I asked for a demonstration anyway. She sat me down in a strange super-padded rocking chair and instructed me to close my eyes and attempt to visualize the history of a particular object she wore around her neck. I played along and began rocking back-and-fourth in the super-padded rocking chair, which was the finest and most comfortable chair I’d ever known. But after a few short moments of this my alarm went off and I was sent back into consciousness. I pounded my pillow and said, “Goddamned dreams fooled me again!”
If I’d known I’d been dreaming, I wouldn’t have even bothered trying to go back in time. I have long ago realized that I can count on waking up exactly one second before anything sweet like time-traveling is going down. For example, if I have a dream where I meet somebody who claims he’s going to take me to a planet populated entirely by robots, I’ll say, “Oh, a robot planet you say? I guess that means I’ll be waking up right about now. I can’t wait to miss fucking awesome robot world.” Sure enough, next thing I know I’m in the shower shampooing my hair and scowling—right about when I should be shaking hands with the mayor of Robot City.
But I got to thinking about my dream today, and suddenly it occurred to me: maybe my dream-state had in fact been the future. Perhaps the meditation had actually sent me to our present via the portal of the dream world. In fact, that is almost certainly what happened. You see, at some point in the future I’m going to meet that nutcase girl and, having forgotten about my dream, she’s going to show me her meditation technique and send me back to June 15th, 2007—and once again I’m going to be writing this dumb entry. I’ve probably been in this loop for all eternity, and it only seems like I’m living a normal linear life. I hate living in a time loop because even though I don’t remember the future, things get pretty dull after about the 20th trip through time. Still, every time I get sent to the past, I smile a little bit inside knowing that it’s only a matter of time before they invent those great super-padded rocking chairs from my dream.