My retirement plans

When I become elderly, Iím going to be one of the top elderly people around. Thatís because Iíve carefully plotted out which hobbies and behaviors Iím going to adopt, what clothes Iím going to wear, and even what crazy unintelligible things Iím going to mutter. When most people become elderly, they donít have any kind of game plan. Theyíve spent decades preparing for retirement financially, but theyíre incapable of assuming a proper elderly disposition. Iím going to avoid this trap by adhering to a very specific chronology:

Age 66: Itís time to start bird watching. If I so much as think I hear a tweet, Iím going to drop what Iím doing and find the corresponding bird, and then Iím going to stand around watching him until dark. Iíll even have a little notebook to keep track of the birds Iíve seen, a list which is going to become gradually more improbable as I descend into senility. I will claim to have spotted extremely rare birds, then birds which are extinct, then fictional species from my favorite movies, then some dinosaurs, and then finally varieties of birds which exist only in my imagination.

Age 70: On my 70th birthday, Iím going to take up bridge in a big way. Itís a complex game, but what the other elderly people around me wonít realize is that Iíll have been secretly reading up on bridge since I was like 40. Iím going to waltz over to the card table and me and my partner are going to absolutely demolish everyone while employing an insane amount of trash talk.

Age 78: You wonít believe how ornate my cane is going to be. Itíll be bejeweled, obviously, and shaped like a dragonís head at the handle. But where my cane will really stand out will be its rosewood body, which is going to be carved with amazing battle scenes and secret messages and other cryptic flourishes. Thereís also going to be a switchblade that flips out from the bottom which Iíll use to stab my detractors.

Age 82: Now itís time to begin openly cheating at bridge. Actually, Iím going to begin cheating at everything, including board games, bocce ball, dominos, and even jigsaw puzzles. The best elderly people have elements of connivery in their personalties, because to the elderly, everything is a matter of life and death. Young people donít understand that societyís unspoken rules donít apply to elderly people, and neither do traffic ordinances or public intoxication laws.

Age 87: I will officially make the switch from giving out candy on Halloween to giving out handfuls of pennies. Some elderly people make the mistake of giving out pennies when theyíre 84 or 85, but I think thatís a bit early. At 87, itís impossible for others to question this sort of bizarre, erratic behavior.

Age 93: As my mobility becomes limited, Iím going to begin collecting postage stampsómassive shitloads of stamps, probably the biggest collection of all time. Whatís ironic is that although the stamp is a symbol of communication, Iím going to have begun secluding myself in the attic of my house (which will be filled to the ceiling with garbage). The binoculars from my bird watching days are now going to be used to spy on my neighbors, who will have begun circulating mythical legends about my personal historyólegends Iíve been secretly disseminating over the years. Gradually I will become a pariah, spoken of only in hushed tones, feared by children and adults alikeógradually I will become one of the greatest elderly people of all time.

10 thoughts on “My retirement plans

  1. Wow. I think I’m going to print out a copy of this for personal reference. I already inexplicably have like 3 bird watching books (I think they’re hand-me-downs, although from who I have no idea), so I’m already prepared for 66. Plus, I already cheat at like, everything, so I might even be a step ahead!

  2. At what age do you recommend driving 15 under the speed limit? Or driving with your face 3 inches from the windshield? I feel like you left a lot to be desired. =[

  3. what about when you get to wear suspenders over your undershirt in public?

    i was discussing this with a friend last night and we think that no matter what your age, you have to look like you’re over 80. it would seem to fit with the giving out pennies phase, maybe a bit before.

    i can’t wait.

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