5-17-04 Letters: Crazy Font Mayhem

Have a question, comment, or a recipe? Send an email to wickensworth@gmail.com and I may respond to it in the letter section, unless it is a recipe in which case I will prepare and then consume the food item you've discussed. I do realize that it's taken me almost two years to respond to many of these letters, but I doubt that I will wait so long for the next edition. That's because I want to update this site more often.

For today's letters, I've sought the assistance of a bunch of different fonts, because each font offers a fresh perspective, and some also look really fancy. Update: The fonts SimSun and Batang do not load properly. When I mention one of them, please just pretend you're seeing an extremely shitty-looking font. 

From :  Cindy Reeves <cindyreeves92@yahoo.com>
Subject :  state flag observations
Message :   
  Your site is a classic example of how truly useless the internet can be.  Evidently you are a college student, that doesn't mean much, done that a few times myself, but at least I learned a few things including more adjectives than you have been able to master.

I'm glad I was helping my nine year old look for pictures of state flags and that he didn't stumble across your ignorance for himself.

Do the known universe a favor and unplug yourself.

Have a successful and hopefully more educational college experience.

Haha ... what? You're concerned that I'm not ... using enough adjectives? Maybe Garamond can figure out what you're talking about. 

Hi Cindy, it's Garamond. Thanks for your letter. Cindy, I'm on your side. I'm just glad your nine year-old didn't stumble onto this this site without your guidance. These days you can't even look for state flag pictures on the internet without coming across this sort of adjective-deprived smut. Me? I like adjectives. As a font, I thrive on them. We have a saying where I'm from: the ideal Garamond text is 10% nouns, 10% verbs, and 80% adjectives. Without adjectives, what are we? We're just a colorless, innocuous mess of uniformity, that's what. Now wouldn't that be retarded?

Thanks, Garamond. Anyway, I really would like to do the universe a favor and "unplug" myself (huh?), but after the universe screwed me with the Red Wings' elimination in the second round of the playoffs this year, I'm not about to do shit for the universe. You here me, universe?! Take a hike!

From :  PinkCowBlu@aol.com
Subject :  regarding eKarjala
Message :   
  I've recently been reading your site, because someone directed me to your flag blowout page, it was only a natural progression to the rest of your site.  I must say, i've lauged my ass off pretty hard reading the stuff you write.  Especially the flag page...fuck pissing people off you should review all the state flags....

anyways, just thought i'd mention it

take it easy

Pinkcow

Take it easy? No problem. I'm a font called Bookman Old Style. According to the dictionary, a bookman is "a studious man; a scholar." So I believe "bookman old style" is when a person kicks back, drinks some tea, and studies all day and night. That's why, whenever I pull an all-nighter, I always like to declare, "Hell yeah! See ya guys later, I'm going to study bookman old style." Then whoever I tell that to usually says, "I'm going to kick your ass bookman old style if you don't stop saying retarded things like that." What this has to do with a font I'll never know. Important note: The reason there wasn't a review for all the 50 state flags wasn't simply because it might piss people off. In actuality, it was just really hard to think of stuff to say about the other flags, which were mostly just stripes or checkers. Saying something interesting about a flag that looked like that would be about as impossible as saying something interesting about a bunch of font types. 

From :  Regina <puppetoflove@hotmail.com>
Subject :  State Flag Blowout!
Message :   
 

And what a blowout it was! Yes indeedy.

Now, I myself am from Louisiana, the 18th crap-assiest flag of them all! I would be offended, if I didn't agree.

I've lived here for all of my glorious 18 years, and let me tell you, no flag could be further from a true representation of a state! Well, maybe Virginia, which last I checked wasn't throwing toga parties. But, back to my point, I've decided to help educate my fellow man, or in this case, you, and give you a truly accurate representation of what Louisiana's state flag should look like, which is included. Here's a brief rundown, just because I can.

Trucks:

The old truck as a penis metaphor thing takes on a whole new meaning in Louisiana. You see, here it's not the fiber of your morals or the goodness of your heart, it's the size of your engine. Which only leads to gross overcompensation on some peoples parts, but still.

Yokels:

Every town here has one. Or seventeen. They're the good old boys who hand around the local grocery store and hit on teenage girls. 60% use what is commonly referred to here as "chewing tabaccy" and the other 40% have a mullet. None of them have teeth, nor can any of them spell teeth.

Racial Intolerance:

Here, people explain away the rebel flag as "Southern Pride" a term which loosely means "I'm a giant fucking racist, I just don't want everyone to know." So that's that.

If I didn't fear lynching by a mod of racist truck drivers with mullets, I would start the revolution and make a bid for this baby as the official state flag.

I think it would be a more accurate, and gosh darn it, just a more fun, replacement.

Regina


 

You whattup shorties, it's Monotype Corsiva here, representing for the cursive niggas. Much love to Regina for going all bookman old style on our asses and putting together an actual picture, which is way more work than has ever been put into eKarjala. MONOTYPE CORSIVA 4 LIFE.

From :  Don Johnson <donjohnson6996@go.com>
Subject :  This message is for wickensworth
Message :   
 

Ok owl i have a few tips for you, First off, its time for a new computer. The one in that picture can't be any newer than 1981. Second, get out of the suit you are not fooling anyone, instead you look like a bitch in a clown uniform. Second, you don't know me so don't act like you know me! First, I would just like to get to know you. Fifth, what happened to your left hand? there is a shirt cuff, but no hand. Second, have you ever herd of shaving? yeah.. might be a good idea.... bitch. 

Love, Don Johnson

I've faxed your email to Wickensworth, who faxed it to his lawyer, who inexplicable faxed it back to me. All I can say is that the owl does indeed have a left hand, and I'm not sure why you can't see that. You might also note that he's holding a quill pen with this hand. I don't know what he's writing with that pen, but if you imagine that it's just a poem, suddenly he doesn't seem so horrifying.

From :  ed w <special_edw@lycos.com>
Subject :  sensless website-generated letter
Message :   
  I only read ekarjala to keep myself from joining a gang and away from the drug dealers, who apparently hide in public restrooms waiting to force their opium infested ganjaness on me. 

However. I just wanted to let you know that you suffering is a gift to us all. For example, when i get arrested, i say to myself "at least i don't have to pee in a cup and have wild animals tear at my entrails."  I ussually ask myself, "What would that one guy with the website, ekarja or whatever the fuck, do?" Usually it involves mocking clipart or other socialy unexceptable tasks so i just sit there and eat crackers instead. But the point is: keep whining about things for my enjoyment. Late's,    -Ed Waisanen

This font is called SimSun, which accurately simulates how the sun would look if it were nothing but a bunch of letters. More to the point of your email, I did not realize mocking clipart was considered a "socially unacceptable task." If that is true, however, I would never have done it in the first place. The entire goal of my life is to fit into the socially acceptable roles that society has laid out for me. Sadly, I remain constantly isolated from the world, eternally neglected from everyday use. Such is the life of SimSun, the font nobody has ever chosen. 

From :  michael gilbert <insane_fiend7@hotmail.com>
Subject :  letters
Message :   
  [From the first letters section] "Itís easy to anonymously insult a person by using their guestbook, but Iíve found that people are less willing to vocalize their negative opinions about a website through email. This helps me preserve and increase my self-esteem. In fact, since the removal of my guestbook, my self-esteem is now at an all-time high of 28 points! Now Iím truly ready to face the challenges of society. "

Ok early on your site you said points were retarded, here you said you have 28 points, now if you dont know what points the early points were based upon what system do you use for the points on the points that you dont know what those points are worth? because all i know is that points have no real value and you cant follow them but clearly you lied to yourself because if you have 28 that means you must follow them somehow...by the way...next time you gotta go piss in a cup, bring in a ziplock bag of your already pre-pissed urine to make the guy think its someone else's urine and see what he says, maybe it will be 'not to much' and 'not to diluted'

-Mike

Hi Mike. This is Franklin Gothic Medium. Don't worry, Tahoma, I'll field Mike's concerns. Sit down, Courier, I said I've got this one.

Mike, sometimes people say things in an ironic manner, which means that the point they're making is the opposite of what they're literally saying. By claiming to have "28 points" of self-esteem, I'm attempting to illustrate the arbitrary nature of point values by not clarifying to which scale "28 points" is relevant. You can try this "ironic" principal at home by making a statement at the dinner table such as, "Gee, mom and dad, I'm glad you haven't poured me a glass of milk to go with my supper. I sure would hate some milk right about now." Having decoded your clever irony, your parents are bound to snap right up and procure a glass of milk just for you. Or they will banish you to your room without food and demand that you remain there until you discontinue your sassy attitude, which would serve you right. Nobody likes a smart aleck.

From :  Benjamin Romlein <bromlein@comcast.net>
Subject :  Whats Your Favorite Album
Message :   
 
What is your favorite music album?

A serious questions deserves a serious answer. Actually, I couldn't pick a definitive top choice for best album; I could list a safe pick, like my favorite Beatles album (Abbey Road), but that's lame. What I will say is that I really like a band called Idaho, and I recommend everybody listen to them. "Levitate" is a good album to start with, especially the excellent, highly-digestible song "20 years," but honestly, I thoroughly enjoy each of their albums. If you don't especially care for their brand of slow-burning indie rock, Idaho still makes good music to study to. Everybody, IM me and I'll send you some MP3s. And we could even trade music choices! How lame, but yet cool.

From :  shelby gallagher <dragon199964093@yahoo.com>
Subject :  i cant ever think of a subject
Message :   
  i jsut had to write you an email. i found your sight while looking for information on the origin of the saying "son of a bitch" and your sight was like third in my yahoo search. needless to say it isnt going to help me pass english but i wasted at least one hour of my day reading through your stuff. your fucking hilarious and i loved your sight. you just earned a spot on my favorites list along with other stuff that is going to help my life not at all but its totally entertaining anyway. keep up the good work. by the way you  havent wrote since jan 1st and its now march 10th, guess you really dont update to often huh? love to hear from you sometime, just wanted to take a second to raise that ego number for ya. later, dragon

Book Antiqua font here. Thanks Shelby, thanks a lot. The reason I wanted to respond to your letter on the site is because I think it's neat that searching for the saying "son of a bitch" somehow resulted in this site. I would also like to add that you needn't have a nickname like "dragon" when you've got such a cool regular name going for you as "Shelby."

Speaking of names, why the hell is this font called Book Antiqua? I'm starting to think fonts are just abritarily given absurd names that have nothing to do with anything. They just take a random noun and stick a completely gibberish word onto it, like "Rubber Lotiva" or "Pantalones Mechanna" or "Assy McRetardiqua."  

From :  Rachel Lissauer <Astrid7604@hotmail.com>
Subject :  commencement entry
Message :   
 
At the risk of sounding pretentious...

That was one of the better-written arguments I've read in a while.

 
Made me smile, thanks.
 

--Rachel

Truthfully, I wasn't sure I wanted to write an entry like that, because I thought the next morning it'd sound sermonizing, pompous, and a bit incongruous with the rest of the site. And in fact it did, but I finally decided not to care. It's difficult for me to have a site where I feel like I have to censor myself for fear of coming off a certain way. Moreover, who the hell really cares? I'm not using a site tracker right now, but because I haven't been updating very often over the past few years, I think a lot of people have stopped reading this site anyway. 

From :  Wil <argyle@myrealbox.com>
Subject :  sad
Message :   
  I look to your page as the jewel in the mud of personal home page publishing.  The only thing that I don't like about it is that I've finally read everything you've written and now I'm sad.  Although I often find myself laughing out loud in the middle of my business meetings, thinking about the Michigan or Oklahoma state flags, it's just not the same as finding new material on your page.

Did you ever find someone to do community service for?  What did you do with those toys that you found in your closet?  Are you still watching Wheel of Fortune?  These are all the important questions that you could be answering instead of devoting yourself to living your own life.

I pled innocent in a State of Maryland vs. [me] and got my ass whupped.  Fortunately, it was only for aggressive driving and the judge had a laugh at my silly attempt at proving my innocence.  Most of Maryland didn't turn out for my trial, though most of them probably oppose my aggressive driving tactics, especially when there's weather.  If the sun is out, or the moon is out, or the rain is out, or something is out, people grew deathly afraid of movement and traffic will slow to a crawl.  I think it might be the gentle breezes that blow in from the Atlantic.  Either that, or everyone here ate the same leaded cereal while growing up.

-w

Hi, Wil. This is the Batang font. I know, I know, "Batang" sounds like something you'd say while high-fiving your friends after a good quip about one of your other friends. The truth is, Batang is much more than that. It's also a good thing to say after punching your friend in the stomach for saying a good quip about you. But to answer your questions: I did community service at a botanical garden and a recycling plant, the toys remain in my closet, and I don't really watch wheel of fortune because Pat Sajak is a smarmy, know-it-all Sajakass. Batang!

P.S. Get me a job at whatever business you work at please.

From :  Meredith G. Vanharn <VANHARMG@student.gvsu.edu>
Subject :  c'monnnn
Message :   
  I've read through the archives, I check back every day for some more goodness, and I get no reward for my dilligence! Are you ever coming back?

You're right, I hadn't been updating very often, and for that, I'm sorry. I always hate going to sites only to find that they haven't updated. It's like, "Damnit, Google! This is the third time I've checked your site today, but you've still got that same old logo and that weird rectangle underneath it. When are you going to get some actual content?" There is no single reason I can pinpoint for my lack of updating, but I have ambitious plans to update more often this summer. So keep reading, and thanks for your encouragement

 

Indeed, a heartfelt thanks goes out to everybody who's written, even if I didn't respond to your email here. These messages have really inspired me to begin updating my site more frequently. In the meantime, here is a comic strip I once made that I recently found on my computer. I have no idea why I made this, what it means, or why I'm posting it on this site. Sometimes you've just got to let yourself not make any sense.

... the hell?

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