6-7-02 Letters: Clipart Bonanza

Question? Comment? Send me an email and Iíll respond to it on this site if your opinions make me sound cool. Since I couldnít think of a response to a lot of the emails Iíve featured below, today Iíve gone ahead and included some clipart I took from Microsoft Word 2000, because I feel clipart is the most expressive form of art there is. Thanks, clipart! You really know how to articulate what words canít!

Whatever religion this is, sign me the fuck up!

 

From :  "Benjamin Romlein" <bromlein@mediaone.net>
Subject :  nit-picky site typo
Message :   
  "MSU has a very bad pluming situation"

I think you meant plumbing.

One might assume that a minor typo like this wouldnít affect me, but I really do get depressed when I make a mistake like that. Hereís some clipart I found to express my opinions about this issue:

These guys are disappointed about my typo.

From :  Ayerock@aol.com
Subject :  No Subject
Message :  
  EDmanX3:     he deleted the guestbook?

Ayerock:     yea

EDmanX3:     i'm shocked

Ayerock:     i only got to read like 3 of the fisrt pages ben told me to read

the whole thing becouse its hilarois well i guess now life just sucks.

 

:(

Hot insider tip: I didnít actually delete the guestbook, I just deleted the link. You can still visit the guestbook at http://callisto.guestworld.com/wgb/wgbview.dbm?owner=SignNSave if you want, but donít bother signing it because nobody will probably read it.

From :  Jason <samizdat@earthlink.net>
Subject :  eKarjala Guestbook
Message :   
  No, seriously. What happened to the Guestbook?

-A Concerned Reader

I took it away because people kept insulting one another in it, and I think that goes against everything guestbooks stand for. Guestbooks were invented in the 1920ís as a means for people to talk about how they visited your site and would like you to visit their site, but my guestbook always just brought me down with its negativity.  

From :  Ayerock@aol.com
Subject :  No Subject
Message :   
  it must suck to have people send you email to say you suck and you need a

guestbook ( just an assumption here ) so you should get a guestbook.-me

Itís easy to anonymously insult a person by using their guestbook, but Iíve found that people are less willing to vocalize their negative opinions about a website through email. This helps me preserve and increase my self-esteem. In fact, since the removal of my guestbook, my self-esteem is now at an all-time high of 28 points! Now Iím truly ready to face the challenges of society.

From :  Serratia Marcescens <serratia@serratia.com>
Subject :  hi Eric
Message :   
  Good thing you removed your guestbook.  The general public can be so vicious!  And hey, if it's any consolation, A Walk To Remember looks like a fine movie.  Since my teenybopper days are about 25 years behind me, I could be mocked for wanting to see it, too.  I still remember how I had to sneak my Hanson cd in, hidden in my purse, so my sons would not ridicule me.  But of course they eventually found out and it was a perfectly hellish couple of weeks until they had moved on.  Ah, memories...

But anyway, keep writing and I'll keep reading.  You rule!

You fall right into this siteís target demographic of middle-aged mothers who listen to Hanson. In other news, hereís a fun clipart picture people of all ages can enjoy:

It looks like another wild night out on the town for our clipart friends! Have fun you guys!

From :  Benjamin Romlein <bromlein@comcast.net>
Subject :  Dates
Message :   
  If eKarjala was established in 1999, as the graphic suggests, why then do the archives only stretch back to March 2000?

My Tripod account was technically registered back in the fall of 1999, but I think back then this site just consisted of a line of text which read, ďTHSIS PAGES IS UNDER CONSTRUXTION!!!!! LOL! PEASE OUT 2 MY A2 HOMZIES.!!Ē It wasnít until March of 2000 when I realized that I should also include the kind of deeply personal introspections I include today, such as listing what types of things I think are retarded.

From :  "Robin Leech" <robinleech@doglover.com>
Subject :  Mail - Ekarjala
Message :   
  What do you think about the rash retirement of Macho Man Randy Savage?

What do you think he will do now? After all, you can't just live on slim jims

(his method of payment for the commercials)

Who is Macho Man Randy Savage? He sounds like either a lion tamer or a professional wrester. I donít really have any emotions about him retiring, because I donít follow either lion taming or professional wrestling, but with a subtle change to his name I think he could easily transition himself into the lucrative nacho industry.

From :  "Melissa Trammell" <lissarose78@hotmail.com>
Subject :  I am a "random person"
Message :   
  Hey!  You don't know me at all.. I used to read your website last year, but then I was computerless for awhile, and.. well.. I won't go into details, but it sucked, basically.

But now I have a computer again and I just wanted to give credit where credit is due and tell you that I love reading your stuff... you're very witty and the other "random people" who hate your site are all losers, and they're all going to die slow, painful deaths.

Umm.. how do I end this email?

Bye.

I appreciate your support, but I don't think people who hate my site should necessarily die a horrible death so much as they should stop voluntarily clicking on it and letting me know how much they dislike it. I'm hoping this clipart picture will help change their attitudes.

Itís about a guy who tries out for the Harlem Globetrotters. Good luck, buddy! Your determination is an inspiration to us all!

From :  Xoectyle113@aol.com
Subject :  Love the Website!
Message :   
  Hey, I love your website! I love reading/writing editorials in our school newspaper, which makes me sound like I have no life, but I LIKE THEM, and now I found you! WOOO! AHEM, anyway, have you ever noticed that there are like, ten different terms for white soda? There's Sprite, Seven Up, Squirt, Slice, Storm (noice how they all mysteriously start with 's'), and the newly crowned "Sierra Mist." What the hell is Sierra Mist supposed to mean?! In other words, it's another way of saying Mountain Dew. Maybe next time I go to a restaurant I'll going to order the "Appalachian Fog." It means the same as Mountain Dew, doesn't it? ARGGGGHHH!!! Oh well, keep up the work, man. (Hope this didn't sound like shit)

Milana

You sounded fine, Milana, and you raise a valid point with your Mountain Dew theory. Personally, Iíve always been interested in the whole Dr. Pepper/Mr. Pibb controversy. Who the fuck is Mr. Pibb and exactly where does he get off stealing Dr. Peppers secret formula? Incidentally, your email somehow reminded me of this piece of clipart:

 

Here we see a competition to determine which ethnicity can draw the best circle. I think the Lebanese guy to the far right is in the lead.

From :  AdvenGrll@aol.com
Subject :  Oooo- you're good.
Message :   
  I just wanted to thank you for your rantings.

Seriously- you are beyond halarious, even if you don't mean to be.

A friend of mine posted your link on LiveJournal and I decided to check it out.

Wow.

You rock.

I'd do you. lol

 

Anyway- Thanks again (even though I know you're not specifically writing for my

amusement- it still worked)

 

*Moooooahhh*

Sherry

As a show of thanks for your kinds words, allow me to offer you this clipart picture incase you ever have to write a memo about how your grandparents are having a picnic:

 

From :  "d kepler morgan" <le_coeur_noir@hotmail.com>
Subject :  No Subject
Message :   
  Hi, Eric.

It's three-something in the AM, and a complete stranger is writing to you.  I found your site via the lovely Serratia, who has links to you on both her old and new pages, so she must like you a lot.

And I feel compelled to say, that in spite of the fact that I nearly choked to death on a GirlScout Trefoil while reading about the autistic pig, I like your site quite a bit myself.  Even though you've gone to making posts about once every month, hey, that's okay; I sometimes visit just to have Wickensworth look at me like that.

And I'd be happy to say all of this publicly, if you still had a guestbook.

Well, it's approaching four-something in the AM, and I really should go lie down and stare at the ceiling, since I'm losing coherency in an exponential fashion by the second.

Incoherently, DK

Thanks for the compliments. My self-esteem is now in outer space!

 

 Here we see train tracks being broken up by a large scale. I think Iíve made my point.

From :  "Amy MacPherson" <cran_b@hotmail.com>
Subject :  Fanmail! Isn't it great?
Message :   
  Hello. You don't know me at all, but I'm one of your many loyal readers. I'm glad you're back! I read all of your archives in a day and am always glad to see some new content.

Anyway, I know I always enjoy receiving random complimentary e-mail about my website, and I imagine you do too (especially since the majority of the comments in your old guestbook were... uh... interesting). So I'm just writing to say that you write some hilarious shit.

By the way, you almost killed my best friend a few weeks ago, so I hope you're happy! See, she was sick and bored and lying on the bed with nothing to do, so I read her a bunch of your journal entries and she almost laughed herself to death. I imagine it would have been an okay way to die, though... you know, as dying goes.

That's all I have to say.

Amy

Amy, here's a piece of clipart I found just for you:

This is a picture about somebody who has a little eyeless man tucked away in his jacket (to his own surprise!), and theyíre both filling out some sort of form. Huh?

Like all the other clipart pictures Iíve featured here, I found this in Microsoft Word. They donít explain what the picture means, but it was placed in a category labeled ďemotions.Ē Whatever emotion this picture is trying to express Iím pretty sure Iíve never had before. Not only is the man with sunglasses shocked that the other man snuck inside his jacket and began writing on his sheet of paper, I get the impression from his slight smile that heís inexplicably also a little bit pleased about the whole situation. Yeah, Microsoft Word, good one. I can definitely think of a whole bunch of instances in which this clipart could come in handy. 

Thanks to everybody who wrote in, your email is truly appreciated in this time of an economic recession.

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