A lot of buildings have emergency exits, which are like normal, practical exits, with one clever exception: You’re not allowed to use them. The only instance you’re allowed to use one of these amazing emergency exits is when there’s some sort of horrible disaster. I guess they’re worried that if you use an emergency exit when there isn’t an actual emergency, the door might not work correctly when there’s a fire or something. It’s as if they think you’re going to wear out the fucking door.

I don’t think these people understand how doors work. Doors aren’t like the chemical they use for fire extinguishers, which is finite and can be used up. Because of this, it makes sense to save fire extinguishers for when there’s a fire, and to not waste them just to spray your friends with as an hilarious practical joke. But doors can’t be used up. Nobody’s ever tried to leave a burning building and had to say to themselves, “Oh, great, this emergency exit is all gone! If only people hadn’t carelessly wasted it away when there wasn’t really a fire!” Doors don’t somehow disappear after you use them a few thousand times. Having an exit you can only use when there’s an emergency is like having a bed you can only use when you’re really exhausted, and the rest of the time you have to sleep on the floor.

The biggest reason I don’t like using the library at Michigan State is because literally 90% of the exits there are emergency exits. Whoever designed this building is convinced something terrible is going to happen to it. It’s very frustrating having to walk five minutes out of my way just to use the special non-emergency exits. It’s gotten to the point where I’ve started lighting bookcases on fire just so that I can get the hell out of there.