I recently had to go to court to get sentenced for the now-infamous People of State of Michigan Vs. Eric Karjala case. I had thought my sentence would be little more than a slap on the wrist, but it turns out that it was more like a kick to the ass. One of the most special ed punishments I received was that I have to get randomly tested for drugs about once a week. This requires me to wake up at eight in the morning and drive out to Farmington, which currently ranks number one in eKarjala’s annual list of the ten most retarded cities in the world (followed closely by the nine nearest cities to Farmington). Last week I participated in my first drug test, and I found that they also made me take a breathalyzer test, in case I had decided to crack a few beers at seven in the goddamned morning.
For the drug test, they wanted me to pee in a cup, so I proceeded to go into the bathroom and shut the door. But the guy who was working there told me, “No, keep the door open. I need to make sure it’s actually your urine.” I was all, “What the hell are you talking about? How the fuck am I going to magically procure somebody else’s urine?” If they thought I was smuggling in a bag of pre-peed urine, they could have simply asked to check my pockets. But no, this guy’s job was to physically watch me pee. What Ivy League school did he attend to get involved with this line of work? There are homeless people who are overqualified for this profession.
The room I was peeing in had about fifty mirrors, so that he could see every single mathematical angle of my peeing performance. The pressure was clearly on. However, since I hadn’t drunk any liquids recently, I was only able to produce a minimal amount of urine. The Urine Guy literally reprimanded me about this. He said, “What are you doing? I can’t get a reading from this amount of urine. Throw that into the toilet and come back.”
Flash-forward thirty minutes later and I’m sitting in a parked car at a random Farmington gas station parking lot, waiting for the iced tea I had drunk to take effect. After I was confident I could pee a desirable amount, I drove back to the urine guy’s office and proceeded to unload a supply of urine fit for any king. He then takes it back into his office and has the nerve to tell me, with a completely straight face: “I’m sorry, this is too diluted. I can’t get a reading off of this. You must have drank to many liquids.”
Huh? Had I been transported to a bizarre fantasy world in which people could say something so retarded? Look man, if you’re not happy with my urine, I don’t know what to tell you. I don’t really decide what’s on draft on any given day.
According to my sentencing, I will have to perform these tests on a random day of every week for an entire year. That means on any given day, I’m going to have to drop what I’m doing, drive out to Farmington, and piss in a cup. But it can’t just be any old piss—it has to be the perfect blend of piss that they demand. What makes this even more retarded is that they are charging me for these tests. Each time I take them, it will cost me about $20. But as for as I’m concerned, this is a service I’m providing them. People who know me know that my one policy in life is that if you want my urine, you’re going to have to pay me for it. When I used to go to my family doctor as a child and they wanted me to pee in a cup, in return they always handed me a cup full of animal crackers equal in mass to the amount of urine I had supplied them with. Where does Farmington get off charging me $20 for my own goddamned urine? What section of Consumer Reports is this bargain located at?
My exciting sentence doesn’t end with peeing into a cup, however. On June 25th I’m going to have to drive out to Novi to attend a “victim impact panel for drunk drivers” so that I can meet some of the victims who have been injured by drivers completely unlike myself. But wait, the fun doesn’t stop there! From July 18th to the 21st I’m going to have to attend a four day “Driver Intervention Program” at Hilton Garden Inn in Southfield Michigan. According to the information I’ve received, “I will not be allowed to leave the hotel or make any phone calls” at any time during these four days. So it’s kind of like prison, only you don’t get any phone calls and you have to pay $395 for it. So basically it’s a lot worse than prison.
In addition to these amazing punishments, I’ll have to pay over $600 in additional fines, be placed in probation for a year, and perform no less than 40 hours of community service by the 7th of September. If any of you people who live in Ann Arbor or the whereabouts (except Farmington) are affiliated with a legitimate non-profit organization, feel free to contact me and I’ll be happy to do some involuntary volunteer work. I’m totally serious about this. In fact, it would actually help me out. Simply email me for up to 40 free hours of non-profit work! It’s the bargain of a lifetime!
In other news, since I was feeling so down about the government which betrayed me, I decided to write a scathing critique of state flags in a segment I like to call The eKarjala State Flag Blowout! Take that, states!