Probably the worst Christmas gift you could give somebody is a Christmas tree ornament. It’s like, “Oh great, a new ornament for my Christmas tree. Which I’m about to take down because Christmas is over. This will really come in handy for the next hour and a half.” Not until the following Christmas season will an ornament truly become useful, if a fanciful decorative bauble can even be described as “useful.” Why not just give them some Independence Day fireworks? That’s only six months away. Or if you insist on mocking them with your untimely gifts, why not go ahead and have them unwrap an actual Christmas tree? I think that might really mean a lot to them. Or maybe you could surprise them with an engraved tombstone.

I have a new list appearing on McSweeney’s. It’s a list of unlikely parenthetical statements. I don’t really know what the point of it is.

Also, I should warn you that I have a special idea entitled Brandnewary. This means that there will be a new update every day during the month of January. I’ve never attempted to update eKarjala with such regularity, and for good reason. This site might be taken to weird, uncomfortable places by as early as January 5th. So stay tuned for Brandnewary! 2008? More like 2000 and great!

I have written by far my stupidest article ever, “How Many Sequels to ‘The Land Before Time’ Do We Need, Exactly?” Whenever I entered a video store as an adolescent I used to always check which number “The Land Before Time” series was up to, and then I’d share a good chuckle with myself. I thought that chuckle would translate into a winning look at corporate excess, but the resulting article is nothing more than me swearing at a bunch of cartoon DVD covers. If you want to save yourself the trouble of reading this, the answer is 12. There are currently 12 sequels to The Land Before Time.