Whenever I’m really trying to achieve something, I always exert an 100% effort. That’s my policy and I think it’s pretty fair, considering 100% is by definition a maximum. But 100% isn’t good enough for some people. It is frustrating to lose a game of one-on-one basketball because the moron I’m playing against gives it 110%, or lose out on a job because the other applicants are willing to put in 110%. How is exerting an 110% effort not considered cheating? I’m suspicious that it is even mathematically possible unless these people are doping.

You can’t say you’ll perform beyond what is humanly possible, because then numbers start to become meaningless. That’s why it’s no longer uncommon for a person to proclaim, “Hmm! On a scale of 1 to 10, these cupcakes rate a 12!” Sir, by the very scale you yourself provided that is not feasible. Stop living in a fantasy world and allow your appraisals of cupcakes to conform to the criteria by which their being measured. Until you understand how to do that you don’t even deserve a cupcake.

When people call in sick to work they’re always under the impression that they need to exaggerate the misery in their voice. Even if they’re genuinely sick, people instinctually like to play up their sickness so that nobody can be angry at them for skipping work. I’m telling you that this is not necessary. We’re adults and don’t need to prove to anybody that we’re really sick. Besides, nobody wants to hear how miserable you are. Whenever I call in sick, I try to be as upbeat as possible. “Hey! How’s it going, you guys? Haha, that’s great! So anyway, I’m feeling miserable! I think I’ll take the day off today. What’s that in the background, you ask? Oh, that’s just some loud music. Yeah, I’m just sitting here listening to some gangsta rap, too sick to really go to work. Well, anyway, I’ve got to run, I’m supposed to meet some people at the gym.”

Another audacious thing to do is to call in drunk. “Hey Mr. Johnson, just wanted to tell you that I can’t come in to work today. Oh, no, it’s nothing like that. I’m just absolutely obliterated. Thought I’d have a beer or two this morning, and the next thing I knew I’d gone through half a case. Trust me, you wouldn’t want me there today. I haven’t been this plastered in years. I’m probably just going to have to stay in bed all day and wait this thing out. Oh, by the way, you wife’s really hot.”

The one Christmas song I really can’t stand is that one called “Rocking around the Christmas Tree,” because it’s always talking about how they enjoy dancing merrily “in the new old-fashioned way.” Every year they’re going on and on about this “new old-fashioned way” of theirs and it makes me sick to my stomach. First of all, what exactly is a “new old-fashioned way”? It doesn’t make any sense. Second of all—and this dovetails quite nicely with my first objection—seriously, what in god’s name is a “new old-fashioned way”? I don’t know what you’re talking about and I don’t want to hear your constant yammering on about it, so please just shut up because you’re ruining Christmas.