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Wickensworth
"Pencils used to be manufactured without erasers, but they realized this was a huge mistake. But I guess that’s why pencils have erasers."

February 16, 2005

Not to sound negative, but February is the worst month. It’s not spelt right, it doesn’t have the correct number of days, and by this time everyone is sick of all the once-majestic snow. Thankfully the month is filled with the following inspired holidays:

Groundhog’s Day (February 2nd)
If a groundhog sees its shadow, we’ll have six more weeks of winter—or so claims this embarrassing day. The groundhog is allegedly afraid of its shadow, yet ambivalent to the noisy gathering of citizens and local action news crews. The attention is a little excessive, though, because whether the groundhog sees its shadow or not, we’ve still got about six more weeks until we celebrate a decent holiday.

Ash Wednesday (varying Wednesdays in February and March)
This is the first day of Lent, which is when people become more pious by fasting or making an act penance or giving up Little Debbie Snack Cakes. It’s all Greek to me, although one time I did go to the gym every other day during Lent to participate in the celebrations. What that had to do with Jesus I have no idea, but I did end up with superior abs.

Valentine’s Day (February 14th)
Single people loathe this holiday, calling it a deviant manifestation of Hallmark materialism and masochistic guilt-giving that spawns nothing but envy, loneliness, and sometimes even depression. Or at least that’s what I called it in my 1998 diary.

President’s Day (third Monday of February)
This day is actually a joint celebration of Lincoln’s Birthday and Washington’s Birthday, kind of like how my little sister’s birthday is one day before mine and sometimes I used to have to eat her leftover cake for my birthday. Another interesting fact about President’s Day is that this day is no more or less remarkable than any other day in February.

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February 5, 2005

Hello, I am back. Yes, I did proclaim that this site would be updated every other day. No, it wasn’t. This is a dramatic first for personal websites. Until these past few months, no personal website has ever failed to update exactly when it said it would. I still regularly visit multiple Geocities homepages that haven’t updated since 1997 solely because they feature a cool “under construction” animation, as there is no way somebody could use one of those graphics without fulfilling their promises. One day all those animated construction cranes will complete their tasks, and we will finally hear the details on how that Hanson concert went, or whatever people were talking about in 1997.

There’s no discernable reason for my lack of updating. Some things simply defy explanation, such as how the mother of the Berenstain Bears wears a nightgown and matching cap regardless of what she is doing. Consider this rare photo:

 

Mother Bear looks pretty indignant at her family’s manners, but take a closer look: It’s dinner time and she’s still in her pajamas. In contrast, Brother Bear is merely scratching his sides while eating an egg. He even has a napkin on his lap. Also, what are they putting honey on, exactly? Steak?

My point is, yes, I will resume updating, but I can no longer accurately forecast an every-other-day schedule. Expect updates at prudent intervals–once every three days or so–with some kind of warning when I don’t plan on updating for a while. Thanks for your time.

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