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Wickensworth
"Sarcasm is the least sincere form of flattery."

Hey guess what, it’s time for another five-question Friday. As a matter of fact, this is the first five-question Friday that has ever existed, which begs a sixth question: What the hell is five-question Friday?

Question #1) Is the Bermuda Triangle still haunted? Does anybody know? It’s been years since I’ve heard of even a two-seater plane disappearing. Shouldn’t we get a 20/20 crew over there immediately?

Question #2) Has anybody ever actually seen a dog catcher? I’m starting to think they don’t exit. Are they merely fictional characters of a Tom & Jerry cartoon, or are there really people driving around capturing stray dogs?

Question #3) Why is every single sidewalk at Michigan State under construction right now? Anybody?

Question #4) Shouldn’t a celebrity fake their own death? I know it sounds morbid, but would anybody object if somebody like Tupac or Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes casually came back to life? And they completely refused to explain anything? Wouldn’t this be a great news story?

Question #5) Did anybody know that my girlfriend Bethany has a website that makes even less sense than this one?


It came to my attention that I had written a letter to the editor of the New York Times this past February, which in and of itself isn’t that weird. I mean, hey, I keep up on current events, I read the newspaper. Why not write a letter to the editor? Well, today I discovered that on February 29th they had published this letter, because I found the link to it right here.

My letter is the second one down, and it reads:

Realistic in Detroit

To the Sports Editor:

In defending the Yankees’ acquisition of Alex Rodriguez, Harvey Schiller argues (”Yanks’ Savvy Move Should Be Blessing For All of Baseball,” Feb. 22) that “in a perfect world, there would be more A-Rods available” for everyone. He points to the fact that our youngsters are being lulled away from the baseball field by video games and television.

Here in Michigan, we are ecstatic because the Tigers have finally acquired a player people have heard of, Ivan Rodriguez. The Yankees light their cigars with Ivan Rodriguezes. Detroit cannot afford to put together a competitive team when there is an increasingly unipolar talent pool.

Schiller’s argument is tangential because player talent is relative. In a world of A-Rods, there would still be only a handful of A-plus-Rods, and the Yankees would gobble them up.

ERIC KARJALA
East Lansing, Mich.

Honestly, what the hell? There’re so many things wrong with me writing this letter to the editor. Consider these four factoids:

1) I don’t like baseball. I can’t stand watching it, and I certainly don’t keep up with baseball news—especially not to the extent that I write letters to the New York Times sports’ editor detailing my opinions about some random player acquisition.

2) “A-plus-Rods”? Oh, man. That’s one of the worst jokes I’ve ever heard.

3) The phrase “increasingly unipolar talent pool.” I have absolutely no idea what it means.

4) I am in no way “ecstatic” that the Tigers have acquired Ivan Rodriquez. Honestly, I’m not even mildly pleased that they’ve signed this baseball player. In fact, until I read this letter, I didn’t even know that they had.

The weird thing is that I sort of remember writing the letter, but I completely fail to remember why. One of these days I’m going to wake up and discover that I inexplicably own some random bagel sandwich shop in Montana or something, and I’m not going to be able to do a damned thing about it.


Since it’s basically summer now, which is easily one of my top three or four favorite seasons, I’ll have a lot more time to update this site. I’m also taking a few summer classes, but they are not very intensive. In the summer, it’s always sunny, and every day feels like a Friday.

Also, I would like to mention that I have transferred over the letters section to this new site, and have even produced a new edition of letter responses. And guess what? I use many different fonts. It is most amazing.


Let me preface this–let me preface the hell out of this–by saying that I wouldn’t have wanted to go to my commencement ceremony tomorrow anyway. To me they’re drawn-out, highly-generalized celebrations of impersonality guised as something meaningful. But the speaker MSU has chosen for this year’s ceremony has resealed the deal that has already been sealed. Regardless of personal opinion, dragging out a figurehead of the Bush administration during a highly-polarized period in foreign affairs is tacky and tactless, and should induce the gag reflex in just about anyone. A person’s commencement should not be a forum for political discussion.

Condoleezza Rice may well be an inspiring orator, a great person, and a good lay for all I know, but we’re talking about her as a political symbol. It’s inescapable right now. She’s a prominent assistant for Bush on national security affairs, making her selection understandable when you consider MSU President McPherson’s work in Iraq. McPherson’s job was to rebuild Iraq’s economic structure, which he apparently forgot to do, and now he’s offering MSU students a piece of some of that Bush administration action. In a dramatic coincidence, there’s also an election in six months. I don’t think Condoleezza Rice cares whether or not I’ve graduated anymore than the next commencement speaker, but sullying the ceremony with current affairs politics makes the entire process all the more insincere. Obviously Condoleezza Rice won’t actually discuss foreign affairs–dear God, I hope not–but again, this is about her image as a political symbol. Because without that image, nobody would know who she was, and she sure as hell wouldn’t be speaking at commencement.

I don’t like politics, and I’m sure nobody reading this wants to hear me talk about them, but I really, really like arguing, so here we go: I’m not voting for Bush. It’s not because he’s stupid, which he probably isn’t, it’s because the actions he takes on social issues–which is every issue–are overwhelmingly informed by a particular structure of morality. Not necessarily an incorrect structure, but a specific one. That’s problematic. All politicians have their morals, obviously, which is fine and dandy, but some politicians impose them onto their constituents more often than others. That’s divisive. It’s controlling. In politics it leads to decisions based on prejudiced gut-instinct. Our President should not attempt to be our moral leader. But the language of Bush favors such moral-sounding words as good, bad, right, wrong, justice, and evil, as in the “axis of evil,” which would be a good name for a band but is a horrible thing to ever come out of a President’s mouth.

Like, what the fuck is evil? Seriously, on what chromosome is the gene for fucking evil? Is it a recessive trait, or dominant or what? I mean, I took biological psychology, but I don’t remember–oh dear fuck. I don’t want political decisions to be made by these ideological hallucinations, by a President capable of convincingly summarizing complex foreign affairs issues into a game of cops and robbers, a rationality which volatizes globalization and precludes healthy relations between the US and the outside world.

I could argue about this for awhile, I truly could, and sometimes, late at night, with my teddy bear, I sometimes do. The only point I really have is, I don’t want a commencement speaker who inspires me to discuss such nonsense on this website, even if her name is really neat.


If you don’t care that Jimmy cracks corn, then would you please quit that incessant singing? I would, however, appreciate some elaboration about those fascinating turkeys in the straw.