These days, shows targeted towards kids don’t make any damned sense to me. This isn’t because I’m 18, this is because today’s kids like to watch really weird crap. Over this past winter break, I sometimes went to sleep at a variety of unorthodox times, such as 11am, or noon. Because of this, I had the opportunity to see what kind of stuff the TV networks had for kids these days, and I found out that all of it was confusing, nonsensical jargon. Back in my day, on Saturday mornings we had Captain Planet, X-men and Cro, the historically-accurate cartoon about a smart Cro-Magnon kid who was raised by stupid, stupid Neanderthals. Today, however, there’s all these scary animals who don’t resemble any actual, existing animals, and they say all this weird stuff, and I don’t even get any of the jokes. Then I turned to Nickelodeon, which used to have that show called “You Can’t Say That on Television,” which, if I can remember correctly, was about a bunch of kids who lived in lockers and told retarded jokes, and about a really nasty cafeteria attendant who made me want to throw up. It appears that, these days, Nickelodeon is more like a cult, and they have all these messed-up cartoons who keep saying all these strange words to the kids, like “Dooniz,” and “Freeble.” Apparently, this is the same thing with the Disney Channel. In between Aaron Carter and Lil Bow Wow videos, they talk about computers and the internet destroying any semblance of a normalcy in the world, and they instruct kids to say the word “Zoog” over and over. I think that today’s kids are much cooler and smarter than any of us could ever hope to be.

Also of note is that the light-up shoe fad is back amongst the youngsters, and whenever they take a step, a tiny red light blinks on. Those things are so sweet. I’d probably buy a pair if I wore a size two.