How Many Sequels to ‘The Land Before Time Do We Need’ Exactly?
12-5-07 This article quickly devolves into mean-spirited profanity-laced anti-dinosaur rhetoric. Much like the sequels to The Land Before Time, it’d probably be best to pretend this never happened.
Bottled Water Taste Test
4-24-07 Here I review five popular bottled water brands, which is like reviewing five different types of air. This isn’t an article so much as a cryptic journey into the abstract, making use of that unreadable wall-of-text style that’s so popular on the internet.
One Day I Chanced Upon a Mystery
3-15-07 I get really excited by any kind of mystery bag, because you never know what you’re going to find inside. It’s the magic of the unknown, a secret dreamscape of possibilities. I’m speaking, of course, about a little thing I like to call our imagination.
7-10-06 I’ve always wanted to time-travel, but this article is the closest I’ll ever come. In it, I examine a few corporate websites from 1996 and mock them in a contrived manner. The results would be soul-crushing if not for our little friend Wizard on a Bicycle. Ride, great wizard! Ride that bicycle, you brave and magical Lego man!
2004 Election Recap
11-5-04 Some might note that this is not so much an article as it is an incoherent, profanity-laced tirade that relies solely on variations of the f-word to makes its juvenile point. Yes, it is a bit one-note, but I was angry at the time.
A Short Article About Baseball Cards
11-1-04 Here I scan seven baseball cards from my childhood collection and proceed to write mean captions next to them. The fact is, I’m just jealous that these ballplayers make a lot of money, and making fun of them makes me feel like a big man.
Board Games & You
10-26-04 They’re still there, on a shelf in your basement. They represent simpler times, before you became jaded and angry with the world around you. But do they make any sense? In this special retrospective, I tackle the controversial subject of board games.
What Are All These Dumb Things I’ve Found in My Closet???
10-20-02 In this investigative report, I examine the astonishing things that are found within my bedroom closet. The results are surprising and–somehow simultaneously–also boring.
The eKarjala State Flag Blowout!
6-21-02 If you’ve ever taken a good look at the US state flags, you’ve noticed how terrible they look. If you’ve ever made a list about the twenty worst state flags, you’ve stolen my idea, which would make me angry. I’ve only had four ideas in my life, and sadly enough, this is the second best one. (My best idea was combining any two different cereals in the same bowl to create an entirely new cereal, like Frosted Shredded Wheaties).
Wickensworth: The Interview
10-24-01 I sat down with Wickensworth in his restored 19th century Victorian home for a rare conversation with the elusive owl best known for appearing on the front page. The results were embarrassing for both parties.
The Monopoly Game Piece Theory
5-1-01 If you believe that the particular position the planets were in on the day of your birth is somebody how indicative of your character, you’ve got to admit that the monopoly game piece you prefer probably also factors in somehow. Then again, you’re crazy. Who knows what you’ll believe?
United Trespassers: The True Hollywood Story
2-6-01 There was a time, when I was young, that I thought it would be an awesome idea to trespass through people’s yards with some friends. And that time is now.