Not to sound negative, but February is the worst month. It’s not spelt right, it doesn’t have the correct number of days, and by this time everyone is sick of all the once-majestic snow. Thankfully the month is filled with the following inspired holidays:

Groundhog’s Day (February 2nd)
If a groundhog sees its shadow, we’ll have six more weeks of winter—or so claims this embarrassing day. The groundhog is allegedly afraid of its shadow, yet ambivalent to the noisy gathering of citizens and local action news crews. The attention is a little excessive, though, because whether the groundhog sees its shadow or not, we’ve still got about six more weeks until we celebrate a decent holiday.

Ash Wednesday (varying Wednesdays in February and March)
This is the first day of Lent, which is when people become more pious by fasting or making an act penance or giving up Little Debbie Snack Cakes. It’s all Greek to me, although one time I did go to the gym every other day during Lent to participate in the celebrations. What that had to do with Jesus I have no idea, but I did end up with superior abs.

Valentine’s Day (February 14th)
Single people loathe this holiday, calling it a deviant manifestation of Hallmark materialism and masochistic guilt-giving that spawns nothing but envy, loneliness, and sometimes even depression. Or at least that’s what I called it in my 1998 diary.

President’s Day (third Monday of February)
This day is actually a joint celebration of Lincoln’s Birthday and Washington’s Birthday, kind of like how my little sister’s birthday is one day before mine and sometimes I used to have to eat her leftover cake for my birthday. Another interesting fact about President’s Day is that this day is no more or less remarkable than any other day in February.