February 22, 2008: Postmodern Mazes
Most of my college notebooks are filled with pages upon pages of incoherent text and doodles—markings which were not only irrelevant to the subject matter of my classes, but often irrelevant to anything that has occurred in the past 12,000 years of civilization. Today I’ll present to you a perfect example: my famous series of so-called “Postmodern Mazes.”
Postmodern Mazes are some of the most challenging mazes ever created. They are so difficult, in fact, that I’ve had to barricade them behind a jump. If you are under 18 years of age, do not attempt these mazes. If you have a heart condition, for the love of god do not attempt these mazes. If you are currently pregnant, please don’t even look at these mazes. Pregnant mothers exposed to Postmodern Mazes may give birth to an agent of darkness. Everyone else, continue along:
Postmodern Maze #1: Automatic Failure
Solution: Print out maze. Fold maze in half three times. Put folded maze in metal pail and light on fire. From top of cliff overlooking any body of water, scatter ashes while chanting favorite passage from Scripture.
Postmodern Maze #2: Do Not Start
Solution: Snap pencil in half, then snap each remnant in half. Form diamond with four resulting pencil shards. In center of diamond, place clove of garlic.
Postmodern Maze #3: Choose Your Own Adventure
Solution: Call loved ones and get affairs in order. Randomly select a Finish. If still alive, take hot bath and weep.
Postmodern Maze #4: Infinite Recursion
Solution: Cut off hands.
Postmodern Maze #5: Journey Through the Mists
Solution: Systematically rid yourself of belongings. Walk naked due north until you reach muscular exhaustion. Collapse. Forgive yourself. Allow body to fertilize soil beneath you.
Postmodern Maze #6: Outside the Box
Solution: Solution language ignores many articles and pronouns. Why does Solution talk like caveman? Think like Solution to receive Solution.
Postmodern Maze #7: Vegetable Problem
Solution: There is no Solution to Vegetable Problem.
Those are the easiest Postmodern Mazes I created—common ethics prevent me from revealing the others. Some of them are true brain teasers!