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Wickensworth

It pleases me when babies are compared to scientists, in the sense that they’re constantly performing little baby “experiments” with the world around them. For example, when a baby drops his rattle, the idea is that he’s merely testing how objects fall in conjunction with gravity. I enjoy this ridiculous image of a baby in a lab coat and a little baby clipboard—as if babies actually knew what the fuck they were doing and weren’t just randomly throwing shit around for their own maniacal amusement.

Babies aren’t scientists near as much as they are clowns—miniature clowns who delight in spitting up their food and falling face-first off their highchairs in a comedic fashion. Maybe babies learn indirectly from these juvenile antics, but I object to the notion that there’s any logic behind their behaviors. Try handing a baby an interesting object such as a battery, for example, and he won’t so much as glance at it. The only things he’ll try to do is either throw it across the room, preferably at your head, or he’ll attempt to swallow it and end up killing himself. This isn’t “science,” it’s just reckless tomfoolery. Their mindset is, what have we got to lose? It’s not like babies are culpable for anything. That’s probably the first and only thing a baby actually learns—that he basically has carte blanche to do whatever he wants in the supposed name of “science.” I can see right through that act, and it’s pathetic. Babies need to start growing up.

Comments (6) to “Babies as scientists”

  1. All babies ever do is creep me out by staring at me unblinkingly with their giant, blue eyes and blank expressions.
    The idea that they are making scientific hypotheses while staring at me that way makes it even creepier.

  2. You know what was an awful movie? Baby Geniuses. Don’t ask me why I saw it.

    Know what was probably worse than Baby Geniuses? SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2

  3. Oh my god. They’re making a third one.

  4. They may not be “scientists” in the strictest sense of the word, but they definitely beat Pavlov’s act. If I was alive in the 30’s I would have filed a collective suit against Pavlov for stealing his so called “conditioning” theory from all the babies in the world. The babies would probably want to represent themselves, and who could blame them, juries love watching them perform their scientific experiments.

  5. I inadvertantly conditioned myself so every time I brush my teeth, I need to pee.

  6. Babies are no scientists, but they do show the same kind of curiosity, don’t they?

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