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Wickensworth

Whenever I’m attempting to enter a friend’s car, I’m constantly lifting the door handle at the precise moment my friend is unlocking the car. If you’ve never enjoyed the luxury of this special humiliation, what happens is that the door’s lock mechanism is undermined and you must ask the driver to re-unclock the car. You can imagine my embarrassment when I repeat this error twice or more in succession. “Goddamnit, Eric!” my driver will finally yell. “Do you even want to go get ice cream?”

That’s why I have the policy of not locking my car: so that my passenger doesn’t suffer this humiliation. The last thing I need in my Dodge Intrepid is drama, which is why I’ve also done away with “shotgun.” You can forget about yelling “shotgun” if you’re walking to my car—I simply won’t hear of it. People who yell “shotgun” when I’m driving go right in the trunk. Shotgun rules have been the source of countless arguments in my lifetime, arguments that are second in ferocity only to those over beer pong rules, and I don’t need the aggravation. There’s a time and a place for yelling “shotgun,” and that time and place is in the eleventh grade when you’re headed to Best Buy to play with the keyboards because you’re in the eleventh grade and have absolutely nothing better to do with your freetime.

Comments (12) to “Shotgun rules”

  1. No lie, this is the only website…in the world…that consistently makes me literally laugh out loud. Thank you for existing

  2. Wow. I was at Best Buy trying out a computer and went to your website. Turns out I am in 11th grade, and my friends were behind me playing with the keyboards.

  3. I always preferred seeing multiple movies for the price of one at the nearby cinemaplex to playing with the keyboards at Best Buy.

  4. Ekarj, you never cease to amaze me with your sharp wit. I was just wondering, how old are you and where do you live? Oh yeah, and do you have a girlfriend?
    Thanks!

    Love, (xoxo)
    ur#1fan

  5. Ignore the alliteration in my name. Just wanted to say your site makes me not go crazy at work. Thanks!

  6. 1.Thanks, Elephant.

    2.You 11th graders are so predictable. Let me guess, today you and your friends just got done bowling? And then you played multiplayer Goldeneye for the Nintendo 64 for four hours? If this was 1999 you would have said yes. Actually I’m not too sure what you kids do to kill time these days. All we used to do was drive around town for hours, going absolutely nowhere, wishing that we were hungry so that we could at least eat somewhere. Eventually we would drive ourselves up an appetitive and eat lunch, then repeat the process. We drove around more often than those little pegs in the game Life, and they live in their fucking cars.

    3.What’s up, Todd? You don’t call, you don’t write—I’ve been worried sick about you. When are you returning to the states, you old crackhead?

    4.Nice try, but my real number one fan would know all of this stuff. My real number one fan stalks me and is currently watching me type this from the bushes. Yes, guy in the bushes, I’m talking about you. Hey, aren’t those my pajamas? How the hell did you get my pajamas! I didn’t even see you sneak into my house—well done. I have to hand it to you, you truly are my number one fan. Hey, where did all my kitchen knives go?

    5. What’s up, Ann Arborite? Do I know you or do you just happen to be from Ann Arbor? I’m really excited that Google is opening up an office in Ann Arbor, that’s really great. Yeah, and, uh … sorry, this is awkward. I’m not sure what else to talk about. So how about that spinning cube in back of the UM union building? It sure does spin, doesn’t it?

  7. Hey guess what I got a new 19’…not inch…flat screen monitor and I have it on your website all day incase you update it. I constantly hit refresh just to make sure. Hey lets go eat at crunchys and sing kareoke with Rueben the fat cat!!

  8. Yes! I too know the humiliation of opening the passenger side door at the same time my brother-in-law unlocks the car. I can’t drive but my brother-in-law can. I’m an idiot.

  9. Instead of going to Best Buy and playing on keyboards you should go to a mall and follow a random person around.

  10. i’m in the eleventh grade 🙁

  11. One of my friends decided to stop people from ever asking him for rides again and yelling shotgun by completely removing the passenger seat. Or maybe his car was so shitty it didn’t come with one. Either way, it’s effective.

  12. Amoxicillin.

    Amoxicillin for acne.

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