March 20, 2001: Small animals & Capri Sun
Is it just me, or have ducks and squirrels and small animals like that stopped being afraid of people? Not to long ago, like in my lifetime, squirrels used to take one look at a person and then run for their lives, in case we felt like throwing rocks at them. Nobody ever threw any rocks at them, and so it didn’t really make any sense for them to run, but they were squirrels, and it was expected that they didn’t make any sense. Now, however, they’ve not only stopped fearing us, I think we have become an ongoing joke to them. When I’m walking down the sidewalk, I have to literally go out of my way and walk around them, because they are always sitting down in front of me and never feel like moving. All of a sudden, they’ve realized that we don’t throw rocks at them, and now they’ve capitalized on that. I’ve nearly killed myself dodging squirrels while riding my bike, and they know this. They think it’s pretty damn funny. And then you have ducks, which are even worse. There is a rampant duck problem at MSU that you don’t read about in any of the brochures. They’ll waddle right up to you, look you in the eye, and then laugh in your face. This happened to me the other day and I carefully side-stepped to the right of it so that I could walk past it, but it just moved right in front of again, and it had this intense look on its face, as though it were saying, “If you don’t give me a piece of that Pop-Tart you have in your backpack, I swear to God I will bite your foot.” I threw the entire pouch of Pop-Tarts down and I ran like hell.
I’m serious, if you walk up to a duck while waving a stick around and yelling like a lunatic, the duck still won’t be afraid of you. I’ve tested this out numerous times. They’ve come to learn that you’re not going to hit them with a stick and, furthermore, they’re pretty sure that you’re going to feed them some bread. Nowadays I can’t walk to class without bringing a loaf of bread with me “just in case.” Pretty soon, the ducks are going to figure out that you can purchase bread at stores, and they’re going to start wanting cash. “Oh, so you need to cross the bridge to get to class? Five bucks, honky. And I don’t want to see any Canadian money—you can’t buy no bread with that shit.”
It’s not just ducks and squirrels, though—this trend of dauntlessness is evident throughout the animal kingdom. In about two years, birds will start making nests on peoples heads, and we won’t be able to do anything about it. Hell, birds have already stopped flying south for the winter. They used to all flock down to Florida or whatever in the autumn, but now they’re like, “Oh, fuck it, let’s just wait up here.” They’ve become lazy and audacious, and I am fearful that they will soon become aggressive.
In other news, I’ve discovered that every single Capri Sun flavor tastes exactly the same. What the hell is Mountain Cooler supposed to taste like, anyway? A mountain? According to their official website, “Capri Sun Coolers are cool blends of fruit flavors.” I think they meant to say, “Capri Sun Coolers are all just cherry-flavored drinks with different retarded names.” But then, I guess I don’t really know that much about marketing. After all, they’re the brilliant revolutionaries who went with the pouch format at a time when all the other juice manufacturers were coming out with boxes. If it takes longer to open your drink than it does to actually drink it, you know it’s going to be good.