March 27, 2001: Ghosts & A Nightmare On Elm Street
I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong, but can you believe that I’ve never been haunted by a ghost? Just once I want to enter my dorm room and find the books on my shelf mysteriously rearranged, or catch tiny globes of light in the corner of my eyes. I don’t know, either ghosts don’t really exist, or all of my dead relatives are just too lazy too scare me. If I died and became I ghost, I’m pretty sure that I’d be too lazy to scare anyone as well, so I guess I can relate, but still … I’d at least like a ghost to try and scare me.
Though if you ask me, ghosts aren’t even that scary. You never hear about them killing anyone—all they do is rearrange furniture or turn of people’s lights. “Ooh! My chair just moved back three feet. Now I have to scoot it back up to my desk. Thanks a lot, ghost, you asshole.” They’re not scary, they’re just really annoying. When I’m sitting down and a real person pulls my chair back, I’m not scared, I’m pissed off. If the person who moved it back was invisible, I don’t see how it would be any more frightening. The only difference is that you couldn’t really kick a ghost’s ass—you’d just kind of have to deal with it. Still, I don’t see how that’s scary.
But I’ll tell you who was scary: Freddie Krueger from the A Nightmare On Elm Street movies. He died at the end of every single movie, but he kept coming back. He was like the Energizer Bunny from hell. The last 5 movies he was in were all called something like “A Nightmare On Elm Street: The Final Nightmare,” or “A Nightmare On Elm Street: The Conclusion,” or “A Nightmare On Elm Street: Freddie Really Dies At the End of This One—Seriously,” but he just kept coming back to life for the next film in the series. You couldn’t kill that son of a bitch, you could only hope contain him. And even if you did that, he could still kill you—through your dreams. And that’s scary.
Here’s further evidence that Mark Trail is the world’s funniest comic strip. Every panel of Mark Trail includes some kind of violence towards small animals, which I guess in and of itself isn’t that funny. But when you have a rooster chasing a kitten, it’s impossible not to laugh.